Airport Body Scan Statistics

Modern Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

Proofreading is a Dying Art (actually, it’s a DEAD art!)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

The Editorial Room was and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! 

Here are more that may amuse you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
       Really?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
      That's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
       What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
       Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
       See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
      Yes tt might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
     Duh!!!!  Well said!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
      Amazing ...who needs Einstein ?!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
      They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
     He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
     Weren't the last lot fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
      That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
       Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
     Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
       ***************************************************

Sings of the times

FAIL FAIL FAIL

I don't care how long you've been teaching yoga, you take your hands away NOW !

Would you not prefer the middle seat, Sir ?









What ? this is NOT women's soccer ?No Darling, we'll explain about the cake on the right later.





Taking my girl for a ride ....
Yes, we have a fully secured parking !






Human warmth ....

Now that we're all here, photo ?





What ? .. a man can't have a hobby ?



Yeah, so what ? I'm tired, O.K. ?

It's all about first impressions

Trimming ? what do you mean ?





I don't care, I think it's really sexy !
Yuk!




No, I am NOT bald !


The guy next to the Queen is priceless

T Shirt Story - This is a true story.

I had to laugh this morning at a story, anything but funny, on the Thai TV news . 

A daughter has given up on her career to stay home and care for her mother who is suffering from a muscle wasting disorder. The daughter comes across as an angel and publicity has resulted in the family receiving over Bt1 million in charitable donations. 

The funny part is the daughter is filmed wearing a T-shirt with the following English slogan.... "Shut up. My heels are bigger than your dick." …..  Haha,

Did nobody at the TV companies notice?... Expect donations to treble overnight.......

Amazing Thailand eh !!

P.S. The job she gave up was a trainee English teacher

Cheers David

Broomsday

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to Hurt!!!!!! 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' .................................... Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least Mumble . Life's too short not to enjoy Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

Book title "Understanding Women" finally in stores

Now out in Paperback, recommend this one to the book club girls!!

Judge Judy - truly a classic

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Why British Newspapers are Fun to Read

Enough with all of the political and doomsday rubbish. Now for the really important news of the day and be really informed.