"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

This is a puzzle called Lateral Thinking ..

We are dispensing the jokes  and doing a puzzle today..(thanks to David Brown)

I know Robert and John will have no problem but who knows, all the rest may surprise themselves. Even Maz, who told me she went blonde last week. Also Jerry will have no problem.but we will understand if you miss a few. Bob let me know how you go ?

Here's how it works . I give you a word equation (in the bold) and you try to solve it




Ans. = man overboard

Got the hang of it. but just in case we will do one more together.

One thing so this is not complete mental torture, the answers follow a bit below. But if you scroll too quick you see them and that spoils the fun. So scroll back a bit to hide it and then try to guess, before you look.  I found it fun and just so you what you have to beat, I got none. 








Ans. = I understand

OK . Got the drift ?  Let's try a few now and see how you fare on your own?







Ans. = reading between the lines










Ans. = cross road

Not having a good day now, are you ?  Redeem yourself.









Ans. = tricycle

easy ha .. yes how come you and I didn’t figure that out ?










Ans. = two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought ! !  I can say that now ….










Ans. = neon light
( knee - on - light )

U can prove u r smart by getting this one.



feet feet feet feet feet feet








Ans. = six feet underground

Oh no, not again ! !  But I love it ….How many got it backwards and guesed  “feet on the ground”




Ans. = backward glance

Not even close ! !  but I se why ,, bit boring that one

death ....... life



Ans. = life after death

Hm ..alright clever dick Barry. I know you got that one

For the rest of us here is a last chance ...................





Ans. = think big ! !

And the last one is real fundoo - - -








Ans. = long time no 'C'  
what an anticlimax …lol


Oh well we cant all be Einstein can we? -  Keep Smiling'

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
  On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
  ************ ********* ********* *******  
  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
  She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
  'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
  The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
  ************ ********* ********* *********
  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'                 
************ ********* ********* ********* ****
  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
  ************ ********* ********* *****
  'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '
  ************ ********* ********* *****
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* ***
  Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .
  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
  A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"                 
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."     

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Negativity Blessed

Before the digital era, to fully develop a photo took 2 stages. The first was to make a negative, which shows subjects as darkest and the darkest area as lightest. This is useless until exposed to the light to make a positive, that shows true. 

So when a negative person is doing their level best to rain on your parade, you can be sure they are only half developed. Dark ignorant people do walk among us and don’t care diddly-squat, about making our life miserable.

Here is a such a story, a mini drama where a good image finally triumphed once the negative was fully exposed. 

A woman was getting her hair styled before she and her husband left for a holiday in Rome .. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?""

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe we’ll see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman was back and came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward wait on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $50 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

“Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

“He said: "Who the f........ cut your hair?"--




I didn’t expect to live this long either!



















Monday, March 23, 2015

Careful where you step

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”


"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Doesn't matter when you go to wash the floor, some bugger walks on it!!!

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Plumbers to Note New Government Gazette Definitions of Pipes

Here is a page, I am told came from a 1971 Canberra Royal Commission Report on Building Practices. The final recommendations not acted on by Billy (Big Ears) McMahon as this short lived bumbling Prime Minister, was booted out.

But the findings and this page were resurrected by Tony (The Mad Monk) Abbot, the now incumbent PM. Interestingly Abbot makes Billy look like a statesman.

It is quite amazing that this man is still around, after a litany of about faces on issues and Rasputin style gaffes. This includes one where he knighted Prince Philip, who had already been a Prince and the British King Consort for 60 years.

Trying to demote him from being a royal highness to just a plain sir might be ok with Prince Philip, by trying to one-up the British Queen for an oversight in not already knighting her own husband, really did seem redundant.

Anyway enough faux-pas and history. The page is now a core of a curriculum being used by Registered Training Organizations (RTO) in Australia, and adopted in New Zealand, where being called a Hua at worst a friendly jibe on a rugby field.

The definitions, all look quite simple and easy to me. But to be sure I have not missed anything, I sought advice of some world famous mates.

Robert D Stiletto, a renowned Irish translator, sees this may not hold water.

John L Green, a Robin hood descendant and a former NZ and Western Australian Master plumber, also believes unethical plumbers are funding RTO scams by still charging copper and earthenware prices for plastic pipe.

Others say they would not be sure it is even an original Aussie finding, as judging by the language, it could have been copied from the British.

But take a look for yourself and give your opinion.

1.2.64 Definitions of Pipes per amended Government Gazette 6784A/45297/BZ/a1

  1. All pipes are to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal copper or plastic, centred around the hole.
  2. All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length ‐ do not use holes of different length than the pipe
  3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) ‐ otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
  4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
    5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre‐rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
  5. All pipe over 150m in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.
  6. Pipe over 3000m in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
  7. All pipe over 1.8m in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.
  8. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
  9. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left‐hand or right‐hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
  10. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for uphills, the water will flow the wrong way.
  11. All couplings should have either right‐hand or left‐hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
  12. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
  13. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
  14. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
  15. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes

(Yes Jerry, on Item 1 that is the correct spelling, for some, for the word centre. For those who don’t know Jerry, he is a another mate from the US and famous armchair expert, who says the page could not be from the US as they still don’t have metric measurement there yet and unlike Australia they have world class politicians and spell colour more correctly without a “u”.



Friday, March 20, 2015

The Ghost Riders Blues Irony


Bob Spooner and I complied this musical slide deck few years ago to raise money for the needy.. but we never got any.

It was in the last decade in 2009 so only a select few like John Lincoln, Maz Garnett, Trish Stevens. Ian Oliver, David Brown and more I won't name, who stuck by me, and know I am breaking the never repeat rule.

But I still love hearing this Blues Brothers version of the Ghost Riders in The Sky that we found to go with what we laughed out load at during assembly of the original post “What "Famous People Say ”

The irony is, it is still circulating as a now famous item itself and found its way back to me via a tweet. 

Talking of irony, one of my all time favorite quotes many chide me often for repeating in social surroundings is the Jack Nicholson one liner where he said

“ My mother never did get the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.” 

The Barbara Bush quote, obviously about Bill and another favorite, is similarly insightful, which you can read for you self. 

Its goes for 1.40 seconds so put on your earphones as you enjoy it again..

Cheers Gordie

Monday, March 16, 2015

Blond Man Jokes

It seems tables have turned with blonde MAN jokes here now .

A blonde in the bathroom hears his wife call out: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."  The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he swerves to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over. He tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
(This one actually makes sense.)  An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blonde men find three grenades, and decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." 
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." 

(hmm I wonder if some of these men were Irish before they became blond)

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Bought vs Homemade

clip_image001Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

Friday, March 13, 2015

Billy’s Dad

At a London school a teacher asked all the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out –  fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc. .etc..

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his  Dad.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep  with him. “

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took  Billy aside to ask him was that really true.

   “No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was too  embarrassed to say”.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an plane and took his seat.  As he settled in he saw a most beautiful woman heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard and struggling to maintain his composure asked, "What's your role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

That’s ok “my name is , "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Pearls before Swine

Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
clip_image002"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Abbott then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch this"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mummy?"

The Queen smiled and said,
"Answer me this please Charlie.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Tony Abbott went back home to Australia by Qantas


He  decided to ask Joe Hockey the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Hockey.
"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Hockey went to the toilet, and found Clive Palmer there.
Joe Hockey went up to him and asked,

"Hey Clive, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Joe."
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Clive Palmer answered,
"That's easy, it's me!"
Joe Hockey grinned, and said,

"Good answer Clive, I see it all now!"
Joe Hockey then, went back to find Tony Abbott.
"Tony, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle."
"It's Clive Palmer"
Tony Abbott got up, stomped over to Joe Hockey, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!"