Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an plane and took his seat.  As he settled in he saw a most beautiful woman heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard and struggling to maintain his composure asked, "What's your role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

That’s ok “my name is , "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Will to Live

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the him to hear 100%.

The man went back in a month for a check-up and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is  perfect.. Your family must be really pleased?'

The old guys replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

~ooo~

A few Friday quickies to end the week with a laugh

_____________________________________________________ How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. __________________________________________________________ What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody there except you. __________________________________________________________ What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. __________________________________________________________ What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. __________________________________________________________ What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ___________________________________________________________ What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. ___________________________________________________________ What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. ___________________________________________________________ Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. ___________________________________________________________ Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut. ___________________________________________________________ Jewish dilemma: Free PORK. ___________________________________________________________ Three words men hate to hear most during sex: 'Are you in?' ___________________________________________________________ Three words women hate to hear most during sex: 'Honey, I'm home!'

Once upon a time

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. He consulted his wizards and magicians and one told the king If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he announced, any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.      

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. 
The third prince approached. He asked the princess,Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. The princess did as she was told, and she turned red.  She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The king and in fact everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
The third prince married the princess and they lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants?

Answer:
M&M's silly . They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!

Spaghetti and Meat Balls

For years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided  she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or  his marriage they agree she should get a settlement and go back  to Italy to secretly have the  child. Then he would continue providing for her and the child until it was 18.

But one complex matter remained as to how he would know discretely when the baby was born. The solution they agreed was she would mail a post card with 'Spaghetti' written on the back when the child was  born. He would then arrange for the Child Support to begin.

Eight months later, he came home to his confused  wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card  today.' and handed it to him to read. As he read the card,  he turned white, and then fainted.

On the card was  written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,  Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra  sauce!!!!!

Top Masturbation story of the week

I wonder why this story featured top in “Digg” this week along with another story second top about Mick Jagger’s daughter, Elizabeth, going naked for the cover of ‘Play Boy’.

 

BRAZIL, May 11, 2011.- A woman aged 36 was enabled by the justice to masturbate in her workplace because she has a strange disease.

This is the story of Ana Catarina Bezerra Silvares, an employee of an accounting firm, a divorced mother of three who lives in the village Vila Velha, Espírito Santo.

The woman suffers from a rare condition known as “compulsion orgasmic”, caused by a chemical alteration in the brain region of the cortex, which leads her to masturbate several times a day to relieve the deep anguish that it causes.

Under this circumstance, Bezerra started legal proceedings with the company where she works that eventually won and that enables to masturbate for 15 minutes every two hours, besides using the computer to see erotic images that stimulate her desire.

The Brazilian newspaper North Regiao reported that the woman confessed, “There was a day I had to masturbate 47 times”, adding: “I began to suppose that this could not be normal, and decided to seek help.”

Currently, Bezerra follows a treatment that includes a potent cocktail of sedatives which gets her to “only” masturbate 18 times a day

Things you notice if you’re sixty

I am sure you guys will get this right the first try!!!

Tractor Puzzle

Every once in a while someone might send you a puzzle.  I found one you may enjoy trying to solve.

Try and find the tractor in the following picture...

If you have never lived on a farm, it may be difficult.

You would think a tractor would be easy to find, But this is a challenge...

Hint: I think it's a green John Deere...
Gordon I am Closing my eyes and forwarding this one geeeee!!!