"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


For the last few years I have been routinely updating a collection of Humour for all Occasions using from material my friends send me. Today I received this contribution from Ineke Williams in Australia. It is doing the rounds so if you have seen already you have a sense that choices are not always obvious.

Given we think about doing things a certain way, this piece stimulates alternative thinking about how we help others. Sometimes winning is not always the way people usually see it!!

It starts and ends with a question,

Would you have made the same choice? 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the this story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!


We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'  So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a spark of love and humanity or do we pass up the chances? Every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate.

You now have two choices:

  1. Do Nothing
  2. Share and or Forward

I made mine. 

Cheers Gordon

Earthquake Warning System

How can you tell that an earthquake is coming?
This is lifesaving information for people who live near beaches.


This is the most reliable (and most preferred early warning system known to man.


A warning for those of you who may be regular Bunnings customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your timber and hardware. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th, then again on the 17th. Also, September 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, and again on the 16th, & 30th. Then on October 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Bert’s New Boots

image An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'


'Nope', she replied.

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

We shoulda bought a hat, Bert. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A little Ray of Sunshine

I’m sure They didn't consider the sun when designing this wall...


Try this when your 80?

Posted earlier this year, this video is now doing the rounds with potential to head into the millions of views.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Eating our words

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Breast Implant Warning


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Time waits for now-one

To realize

The value of a sister/brother

Ask someone

Who doesn't have one.

To realize

The value of ten years:

Ask a newly

Divorced couple.

To realize

The value of four years:

Ask a graduate.

To  realize

The value of one  year:

Ask a student  who

Has failed a  final exam.

To realize

The value of nine months:

Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize

The value of one month:

Ask a mother

Who has given birth to

A premature baby.

To realize

The value of one week:

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize

The value of one minute:

Ask a person

Who has missed  the train, bus or  plane..

To realize

The value of one-second:

Ask a  person

Who has survived an  accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every  moment you have.

You will treasure it even more  when

You can share it  with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Bear attack 2009

clip_image001[8]Apparently a bear attacked a plane while parked in a remote field. It had not cleaned it out after a fishing trip and the bear smelled it.

The owner had 2 new tires, 3 cases of Duct Tape  and several rolls of cellophane delivered. Then he went about repairing the plane so he could fly it home.  Gutsy to say the least. 



Friday, November 20, 2009

Kid’s can say anything

1) This is an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 
2) Oysters' balls  are called pearls.  (James age 6) 
3) If you are surrounded by  sea you are an  Island.
If you don't have sea all round you, you are  incontinent.(  Wayne  age 7) 
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and  have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.    (Kylie age 6) 
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole  on the top of its head.   
(Billy age 8) 
6) My dad goes out  in his boat, and comes back with crabs. 
(Emily Burniston age  5) 
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to  cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would  whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 
8) I like mermaids. They are  beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?    (Helen age 6) 
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at  my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to  write. (Amy age 6) 
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can  sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves  under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.  (Christopher age 7) 
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is  very cold, and it makes my willy small.   (Kevin age 6) 
12)  Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go  down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age  8) 
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she  was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up  her fanny. (Julie age 7).

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as

soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,

I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'


Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  

He had been employed there for a number of years when

he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. 

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife

could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too. '



A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 

'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,

'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

Trucker in Memoriam

Have you heard about the trucker who has painted his cab and trailer with the names of all those who lost their lives on 9/11?


The trucker's

name is John Holmgren from Shafer, Minn. He has been 'pulled over' numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture taken with the truck.
(scroll down to see the pictures)