Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice,

Asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

Who's kidding who?

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare check.

He marched up to the counter and said: "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I really do. I love to work and would really rather have a job. I just don't like taking advantage of the system...getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said: You're timing is excellent and you're in luck. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive her around in his 2013 Cadillac XTS and the girl's father will supply
all of your clothes and other needs.

Because of the long hours, even meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

And, while this is bit awkward to say, you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, his eyes and mouth wide open, said: "You're bullshitting' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well...you started it."

The Wine Taster

At the Iniskillin Winery warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A homeless street person, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.  They gave him a glass to drink.

The old ‘troller tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

“That's correct,” said the boss.

“Another glass, please.”

“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.  Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Absolutely correct! A third glass.”

He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.” 

The  director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.  The homeless street person tried it. 

“It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.” 

My One day of employment

After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a  day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very  loud, unattractive, obnoxious woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Their father must be so proud they are twins."

The vile woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they're not twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just f*"^ing stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....

Have a  good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My  supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of  work.

Half Wit

A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in recently transferred to the country and was on first tour of her new territory When she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and  knocked  on the door.
"Anybody home?" she  asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?"  asked the social worker.
"Pa?  Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma?  Nope, she left  just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the  social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.  "This is the outhouse!"

Keep off the grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw to men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"

"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "you can come with us, too."

"But, sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are to kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!" 

New PS Job interview Technique

A guy goes to  the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer  asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies,  "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you  ever been in the military service?"

 
"Yes,"  he says, "I was in Iraq  for two years."

The interviewer  says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks,  "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,  "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles...

The interviewer  grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire  you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start  tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is  puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,  why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a  public service government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we  just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you  coming in for that."

WARNING ABOUT A SCAM AT BUNNINGS

A warning for those of you who may be regular Bunnings customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your timber and hardware. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th, then again on the 17th. Also, September 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, and again on the 16th, & 30th. Then on October 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each

Melbourne University Twits

Some people have good jobs...I got this on my twtter at Twiiter.com/Gordon_Wood Try it and see who's doing what.