Why do Irish gentlemen prefer Blondes?

In Galway Ireland on a bitterly cold winter morning during breakfast, a husband and wife were listening to the radio.

The announcer said, "We will have 8 inches of snow today, so please park on the even-numbered side so the snowploughs can get through. The husband then went out and moved the car.

A week later at breakfast again, the radio said, "We are expecting 12 inches of snow today. Please park on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowploughs can get through. The good man went out and moved the car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the announcer says, "We are expecting 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Just then the power went out and a worried look came on the husband's face as he said. "Well that's just fine isn't it, how can I know what to do?"

With love and understanding and following the blonde wife's code to let husbands believe they are naturally smarter, she said, "Darling, Why don't you leave the car in the garage this time."

Best Quote of Any Era

 Cicero, in 55 BC said 

"The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced,the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."

Evidently, we've learned bugger all in 2,500 years.

Today's what do do next riddle

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.  On your right side is a sharp drop-off.  On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.   Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

In this type of encounter what would you do to get out of the situation?

Yes your right , just get down off the horse and step off the merry go round!

Walking Down The Aisle.

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. 

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me. 

I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here, Love. 

They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2 !!"

Ponder on these

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
 
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls than in a Ford.
 
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Irishman’s First Drink With his Son

While reading  an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. 

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a  Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. 

Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it and we tried some Harp Lager?  Same story  I drank it.  He didn't.

Thinking whiskey maybe better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! 

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's  finest. He wouldn't even  smell it. What could I do but drink it! 

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so loaded I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6  Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!

Life after Facebook

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

So every day, I go along the street and tell passersby what I have eaten,
how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after;
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

AND IT WORKS! … I already have 3 people following me:  2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

Cyber Mating

Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".

Irish Bottom

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor,  it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.  So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a  look. 'Incredible 'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged here.'  Tentatively  he eases the twenty out but then a £10 note appears. 'This  is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'  'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the  patient.The doctor pulls out the tenner and another  twenty appears, and another and another and another, and so it goes on..... Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just  out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'  The  Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd  be roit,'' says the Irishman, I    knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Only An Australian Can Make You Feel Like a Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die, Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared then an Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

A few of Life’s Little Chuckles

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of white-out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tea ready!

Last night I was watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, What would you like for dinner, chicken, beef or lamb?  I replied  'Chicken, please.'   She then replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy and  I named him England..He is mainly black and brown with a small white patch.

EATING IN THE FIFTIES and SIXTIES

Pasta was not eaten in Australia.Curry was a surname.   A takeaway was a mathematical problem.   A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.   All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had as whether to put the salt on or not.  Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding. Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait. A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.Brown bread was something only poor people ate. Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.    Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green. Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.   Fish didn't have fingers in those days.  Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi. None of us had ever heard of yoghurt. Healthy food consisted of anything edible. People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy. Indian restaurants were only found in India.   Cooking outside was called camping. Seaweed was not a recognized food. "Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.  Prunes were medicinal. Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed. Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it​, ​ they would have become a laughing stock!! But the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties .." Elbows or Phones”.

Drovers Lament

A drover, moved to Queensland from Victoria , and walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX. He sits, drinking a sip out of each one in turn until he finishes, then he orders three more.

On his third round the bartender says, "You know, a glass begins to go flat after I draw it. So Ii may taste better for you if you bought one at a time." 

The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in 'Tassie' , another is now a 'Sand groper' from Adelaide. When we all left our home in Echuca' , we promised each other we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, And leaves it there.

The drover becomes a regular in the bar, and continues the habit . One day, he comes in and only orders two glasses..

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, The bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss." 

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, Then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army, and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though..

What is Globalization?

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Princess Diana's death is the best way to understand globalization.

Because as an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend she crashed in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi On Japanese motorcycles, and treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

To simplify the definition even more this is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading it on a computer,with uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, all assembled by Bangladeshi workers In a Singapore plant, and then transported by Indian truck drivers, to ships at risk of being hijacked by Indonesians, and then unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and, if you are living in the US, trucked to you by Mexican illegals ....

That, my friends,Is Globalization !

Puns for Educated Minds!

1. The fattest of King Arthur's knight was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi.

2.I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was an optical Aleutian.

3.She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4 A pistol confiscated from an algebra class, as a weapon of math disruption.

5.No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.

6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.

17.A backward poet writes inverse.

18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.When cannibals ate a missionary, They got a taste of religion.

20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,You'd be in Seine.

21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess  says,'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, and lit a fire to keep warm. Soon It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.A Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.A person sent ten puns to friends, to make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

The British Penny

European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be aware that:

The phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used from 31 May 2015.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

If you have more questions, just give me a twinkle.

~000~

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing village. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. 

What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Off To The Pharmacy

One  day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and  takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying them on the  counter.

He  then asked the pharmacist,  “Could  you taste this for me, please”.

Being  a senior citizen, the pharmacist went along, taking  the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid,  puts  it in his mouth swills the liquid around and  with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.

“Now  does that taste sweet to you.” says  the old man?

The  pharmacist said to the old man.“Hell  no!” “Oh that's a relief”, said the old  man, “The  doctor told me to come here and  get my urine tested for sugar”.

~000~

Fish out of water

Not sure it is just education system. Rain on man.