"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sayings of the Jewish Buddha

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis. (nothing!)

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up Straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “There is no self”. So, maybe we're off the hook

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Shaping Governments

A Washington , DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1) I had a North Carolina Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window. (On an airplane...)

2) I got a call from a candidate's assistant, who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town
is in Massachusetts ." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in Africa , Her response....CLICK!

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (Can you believe it...)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (I think I'm going to have a stroke....)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (I feel faint!!!)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM and got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that. (I'm going to get ill)

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing my head off). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?" (There's never a dull moment around here)

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823 but none of those
planes have numbers on them." (Have we left the runway yet?)

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to be on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Florida on a commuter plane? She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" (Fasten your seat belts).

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I doubled checked and sure enough, his trip required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations."I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." (I was at a loss for words) Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

So I secured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" The reply -- "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."



Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dangerous fly

One of Aesop's little known fables...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear....and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches...some pussy is in danger!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

White house breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like,

He replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W., looking up from his menu, replies, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're just like Mr. Clinton!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers ...

"It's pronounced "quiche".


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Even if she looks like a Truck

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

English Exam

Ode to the Spell Checker!" - Rated PG

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly Marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
(Nada, I added this in the hope it may
help Lukas with his VCE English Exam)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Some worth keeping


I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20

Military Cross
My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as a quick wit. One day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my belly-button pierced. "No way!" my father fired back. "This is an Air Force family -- no navel destroyers are allowed!"


Townhouse for sale
Our daughter moved out of home over a year ago. We really miss her so w'ere very excited when townhouses began to be built across to road to our place. I rang her immediately, suggesting she should quickly put down a deposit on one before they all sold. There was silence on the end of the line for a few seconds before she responded that she didn't want to take the risk. I assured her that if she was worried about missing a payment now and then, we would certainly help her out.

"It isn't that," she moaned. "I don't want to risk you turning into the grandmother from that T.V. show 'Everyone Loves Raymond!'
From Carol
Doing the right thing
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coat hanger." -Steven Wright

Talk about Bondes!!!
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.
"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me."
"What'd you do?"
"I asked her for her phone number."


Blue Cross

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
From Norah
Vacation Planning
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?'" -Jay Leno


Evil Kenevil but Diferent
This Irish bus driver decided to do things a little differently. Instead of jumping over buses on a motorcycle he decided to jump over some motorcycles in his bus. So he lined up a few motorcycles and off he went. He would've made it too but halfway across someone rang the bell.....

From Graeme

Good Advice
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'

fom Sophie
Good News Week
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary."You're not sterile."

'We'll take it.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000.00 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.00' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the older man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

From Larry

"Be alert...the world needs more lerts." -- Anonymous

Just listen

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. "This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."


Brunette vs Blonde

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered "Yeah, but you've got a driver..."

An oldie from Dave

One million monkeys
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart

Taking the Pace
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap!

Court Out
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"