"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Body Statistics

Body Statistics


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

From Trish Stevens Collection

Friday, January 30, 2009

Computer Gendering

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'image_thumb[2]What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into male and female, and asked each group to decide if a computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each was also asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men decided on the feminine image gender          
('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their intern al logic; 2. The native language use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!)

   The women however, concluded computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1.  In order to do anything with them,image you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

This post is for all the smart women ...and the men that have a sense of humor.

Budweiser does it again!!!

The battle of the brewers gives us some very funny short videos.

Here is one now from Budweiser.

Click here if video does not show in email Feed

From Bob Spooner’s collection.

The UK Queen is Indian

Bet you didn't know that!!!!

Or see UTube version

Jai, This one is for Garry

Thought for Today Jan 29, 2009

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
- John Updike

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.
- Russell P. Askue

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Arab Humour

image An Arab family in New York was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit. "How do you like it here?" asks Jido,the grandson . "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place. You know, since you're a little different from everyone else here."

"Oh, not at all! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a judge in here, too. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And then there's a physician here. 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you, Jido?" asks the grandson.

"Me....? Well, I haven't had sex for 35 years but they still call me 'The f***ing A-rab'!"

Seven Top Idiots of 2008

Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.   Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away. 
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when t he raft was inflated.  They are no longer employed at Boeing.   
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.'  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the tell er, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors th at he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.   
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. 

Number Four Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a b ottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign. 

Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of  Michigan  robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.   
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign   

Idiot Number Six of 2008
Arkansas  : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window =0 A was made of Plexi-Glass.  The whole event was caught on video tape.   

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega ,  Wisconsin ).  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:  'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  -  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!

'Saying "You made my day"makes my day.

I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.....That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned....That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.....That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned
.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned .... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned..... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them..

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

This was sent by to me by my Canadian mate of 40 years, Larry Maccain

Tuning a guitar

Yes, at last, something useful.

For those who cannot tune a guitar, here is a great widget. (Courtesy of How To Tune A Guitar)

Click here if the widget is not on your feed page.

“Tuning” with this is so easy with the pimageitch audible on a click of each note. Try it’s no joke.

Steve, I am sorry there is no 12 string version. For your 12 string guitar, you still have to go manual on 4 of the second pair, [Low E, A, D, G], each tuned one octave up on/ (Love that sound)

The tuning bit has been all that has stopped me playing before. I have the hat, so now all I need to is to go tune my mate Jimmy’s old guitar, he left behind in Bangkok…

Stay tuned …

GWCowboyPS. Hey, “Lukas the Pirate”, are you out there? Maybe we could team up for a gig at the Saxophone bar.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Walk In The Park

Quite a few people have asked me where they can get some of the "Walk in the Park" photos that appear on the sidebar.

So I now embedded them in this blog as a slide show. You may also prefer these on full screen directly from my photo site, by clicking on any picture, then select from slide show or other choices in Picasa

You can also browse and download as you wish for there.

Here also is the write up I did. This is also on the site…. enjoy!!

Photos by Gordon Wood
Nov 29, 2008 Bangkok

On Saturday 29th Nov, I was invited to visit the Suan Luang Rama 9 Park in Bangkok. Weather-wise it was a wonderfully pleasant day of around 28 degrees, just right for relaxing.

The park was full of Thai people all enjoying a day’s outing as families, friends or like me as a tourist.

Suan Luang Rama 9 is the biggest public park in Bangkok. It was created to celebrate on Dec 5 1987 the 60th Birthday King Bhumibol Adulyadej, also known as King Rama IX.

It is open to the public and provide an environment for relaxing, social, sporting & cultural activities.

The theme has a central mirror lake surrounded by green acres garlanded with flora including endless arrays of flower beds of brilliant colour. A Mecca for camera enthusiasts like me.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Happy Australia Day

For those not on Chinese new year, holiday, skiving off work or just out of work with the recession, it is the rest of you that have to do the work today,

But one thing you should also be aware of too is in Australia today it is a public holiday, so the Aussies are not working either.

So what better way for us to celebrate our National Day than to give everyone, ourselves included a modern history lesson about our country.

Click on the picture to see the PowerPointimage I agree with Janet, some things just don't need introduction. Interesting too Janet is from Milton Keynes in England

Dear Margaret

I could not possibly comment, but hope it gives you a smile.

Love Janet


Some Things Just Never Change

  Looks like the Obama jokes are coming think and fast now.clip_image001

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Golfer’s Technical Help Please

I think some of the serious golfers out there may be able to help me. I want to know if that is a Tailor-Made TP Burner 10.5 Driver with a Regular Graphite Shaft.


Sent in by Gary Pizzey

The Emu

A Aussie walks into a restaurant with a full-grown Emu behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man  says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to

the Emu,  'What's yours?'

'I'll have  the same,' says the Emu.

A short time  later the waitress returns with the order 'That will
be $9.40  please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the  exact change for payment.

The next  day, the man and the Emu come again and the man

says, 'A  hamburger, fries and a coke.'

Emu  says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the  man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact  change.

This becomes  routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the  waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad,'  says the man.
'Same,' says  the Emu.

Shortly the  waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.62.

Once again  the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it  on the table.

The waitress  cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How  do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your  pocket every time?'

'Well,' says  the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found  an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two  wishes.  My  first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would  just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most  people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's  right. Whether  it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is  always there,' says the man.

The waitress  asks, 'What's with the damned Emu?'

The man  sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I  say.'

One from Bob Sponer’s collection

Thursday, January 22, 2009

DO NOT use Cruse Control in rain

I NEVER KNEW THIS BEFORE. I wonder how many people do?

A woman had an accident recently when it was raining. She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain but her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and fly through the air.

The police attending the accident said that when the cruise control is on and a car begins to hydro-plane on a wet surface the tyres lose contact with the road and the car then accelerates to a higher speed making it take off and go further out of control.

Some vehicles will not allow the cruise control to work when the windshield wipers are on. But not many.

Tell people this and you might save their life.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Quotable quotes by famous people


Click Link here >>

Size does matter

Well it does doesn't it?

Smart Car Vs Lamborghini Entertainment

Sent by Bob Spooner

The Greeks and the Irish

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'


Sent in: Trish Stevens: Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Thought for today Jan 20 2009

Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything.
- Henri Poincare Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.
- Herb Caen We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
- H. L. Mencken

Friends & Family

In the true spirit of friendship here is a card that you may like to send to those near and dear to you.


Sent: Mary & Bob Spooner Tuesday, January 20 2009

American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Post sent in by Sam Donley Jan 21 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Today's Wisdom Jan 15, 2009

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man. - Bertrand Russell

Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways. - Samuel McChord Crothers

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time. - Orson Welles

Monday, January 12, 2009

Don’t mess with my PC

Ineke, next time Martin messes with your PC and changes all settings, I have a solution that may discourage him from doing it again.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Today’s Wisdom Jan 4, 2009

People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get.
  - Frederick Douglass

We are bits of stellar matter that got cold by accident, bits of a star gone wrong.
  - Sir Arthur Eddington

Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are.
  - Laurence J. Peter

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year for 2009

We wish everyone prosperity for 2009.


It seems everyone has had a really great feastive season and now looking forward to 2009 being as good as it gets.

Odd but we have also been reading lately of a conspiracy for prosperity to be unfashionable in 2009 and that people should look forward to enjoying the poor house.

My New Year resolution for 2009 is not to read any more newspapers and turn off the 6 o'clock news.

One more fallacy I heard today was that Alcohol makes you FAT .. That is just an outright lie and Not true You and I know - it makes you LEAN ....

Lean against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

Happy New Year for 2009

HNY09 and Alcohol...


Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN ....

against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

Happy New Year for 2009