Tuesday, August 31, 2010
This is a photo of a guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?
When he bought them he had read the instructions for a fun time on the interstate....
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell!
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!
I don't care who you are....that's funny
Monday, August 30, 2010
The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ' for sale ' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
' Well, it ' s quite simple, really, ' says the seller, ' whenever the bike is outside and it ' s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. ' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ' I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. ' ' When we eat dinner, we don ' t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '
' No problem, ' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom..
' She ' s got a great body, ' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted.... ' I ' ll do the dishes!!!
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'
Trevor says to his pal, ' Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune”.
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay?
Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”
'No worries, smiled Jeanette, I'll keep my mouth shut.' They go in and Trevor says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each.
I'll beck up my truck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,'says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'.
Friday, August 27, 2010
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can't fix stupid
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor Then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one
Like his mother used to do.
Hey mate you just got be asking for it?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied,
"The funeral director would be my first guess."
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.’
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, ‘ Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab………………..
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’
Sunday, August 22, 2010
with all the mass communications that make us so transparent it seems the world is becoming more and more honest when it come to relationships
Here's an example of how young people are now open and honest from the get go!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
My New Zealand mate who is a CFO with a large group in Asia sent me a photo of their strategic planning workshop day. He said this year was much better as they they hired a New Zealand bloke as a consultant to come over and help them.
For years the conventional wisdom advised that the best
Warning:Some secondary swelling may develop!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
This week our family lost our beloved Uncle Jack, aged 90. But this post is not about Jack Wood but about a short move David Brown sent to me. It is a Singapore community service organizations promotion about families, and says it all when it comes to the way we think about our loved ones when they pass away. I defy you not to shed a tear when you watch it.
Thanks David for sending this.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
There are lots of ways of being miserable, but there's only one way of being comfortable, and that is to stop running round after happiness.
If you make up your mind to be happy there's no reason why you shouldn't have a fairly good time.