"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Carburetor Frozen

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

Friday, September 4, 2015

Questions - If your Auntie had balls would she be your Uncle?

Why  isn't the number 11 pronounced  onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't  they just stale bread to begin with?               

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?  
                     
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
                  
Why is  a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
        
If it's true that we are here to help  others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians  can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners  depressed?
      
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
 
What  hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald  men?
                      
I  thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?                   
                      
Why do  they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
                       
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
                       
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why,  Why, Why do we press  harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when  someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you  ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first  place?

And A FAVOURITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one  out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental  illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK..? (then it's  you!

A day without  a smile is like a day without sunshine!  And a  day without sunshine is,  like...........night!!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Today's what do do next riddle

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.  On your right side is a sharp drop-off.  On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.   Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

In this type of encounter what would you do to get out of the situation?

Yes your right , just get down off the horse and step off the merry go round!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Walking Down The Aisle.

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. 

It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me. 

I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here, Love. 

They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2 !!"

Monday, August 31, 2015

Ponder on these

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
 
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls than in a Ford.
 
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS.- Are you smarter than a 60 year old?

This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....

01. After the Lone Ranger rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

3. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ _ _____.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'


06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best.... _________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was______ ___________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________  ________ '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their  ______ _______.


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to _______ ____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____ .   

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________


ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19.Monster Mash

20. Speedy

Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Things to Remember During a War

 

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Irishman’s First Drink With his Son

While reading  an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. 

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house.

I got him a  Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. 

Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it and we tried some Harp Lager?  Same story  I drank it.  He didn't.

Thinking whiskey maybe better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! 

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's  finest. He wouldn't even  smell it. What could I do but drink it! 

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so loaded I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Showering with a friend no is longer fashionable– here’s why!

A Shower for Woman  

Take off clothes place them sectioned in laundry basket by lights and darks.

  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

  Check physique in the mirror and make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts.

  Get in the shower. 

  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

  Wash =hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

  Wash hair again to make sure it's clean. 

  Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 

  Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

  Rinse conditioner off hair.

  Shave armpits and legs.

  Turn off shower. 

  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

  Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

  Get out of shower.

  Dry with towel the size of a small country.

  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

  If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed are 

A Shower for a Man   

   Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 

  Walk naked to the bathroom.

  If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

  Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

  Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. 

  Get in the shower.

  Wash your face.

  Wash your armpits.

  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

  Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. 

  Wash your hair.

  Make a Shampoo Mohawk

  Wee.

  Rinse off and get out of shower.

  Partially dry off.

  Fail to notice water on floor from curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 

  Admire willy size in mirror again.

  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

  Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

  If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy and make 'woo-woo' sound again. 

  Throw wet towel on bed.                                                               

Monday, July 13, 2015

Greek Bailout Explained

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating and the streets deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. This day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Co-op takes the €100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,   pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.No one earned anything.However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Irish Blonde

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the now ploughs can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6  Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Is winning it all about attitude?

At school Mum always encourage me by saying. “You can do it son . Its all about attitude”. But that did not help me when the bigger guys tried to beat me up. 

I wish I had seen this picture then. But now I am going to show it to my pool team

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Monday, June 29, 2015

Life after Facebook

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

So every day, I go along the street and tell passersby what I have eaten,
how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after;
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

AND IT WORKS! … I already have 3 people following me:  2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Cyber Mating

Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Importance of Drinking Water in Old Age

image

Interview with Hattie May McDonald on her secret to reaching the age of 101 years.

Reporter: “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101”

Hattie:  “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. For low blood pressure I drink scotch And if I have a cold, I drink schnapps”.

Reporter:: “When do you drink water?

Hattie: “I have never been that sick”

 

 

“000”

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Accident At the Marina

While strolling around the Marina this morning at about 7 am, I noticed a character shouting "Death to all infidels" then suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded so I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

GRENADE TRAINING 101

A hand grenade can go off in 4-5 seconds.

Ever hear the saying "throws like a girl"?

Not sure the Indian Prime Minster could say that after his gratuitous gaffe when he said. “I am happy that Bangladesh Prime Minister, despite being a woman, has declared zero tolerance for terrorism.

But it seems US marines are not constrained by #DespiteBeingAWoman political incorrectness.  In the (new) Marine Corps (with women in combat), this is what GRENADE TRAINING 101 looks like....filmed on location at Camp Pendelton, CA

 

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watch the live link here.  http://i.imgur.com/t3CF25z.gif

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those nit-pickers who argue the meaning of words, is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls?  Both are common use terms,  but do you really know the difference?  If not, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”’

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the Balls to slap your wife on the butt and say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking however, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Irish Bottom

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

clip_image001

'Dactor,  it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.  So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a  look.

'Incredible 'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged here.'  Tentatively  he eases the twenty out but then a £10 note appears.clip_image002

'clip_image004This  is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the  patient.The doctor pulls out the tenner and another  twenty appears, and another and another and another, and so it goes on.....

clip_image003clip_image005clip_image008clip_image006

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just  out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' 

clip_image010The  Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd  be roit,'' says the Irishman, I    knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Saturday, May 30, 2015

This is a most interesting English lesson. I did not know that:
  1. "listen" and "silent" use the same letters,
  2. "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car",
  3. "eat" if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells "ate",
  4. "illegal immigrants," if you rearrange the letters and add a few more, it spells,"Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, twits."

How weird is that?

Friday, May 29, 2015

Only An Australian Can Make You Feel Like a Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die, Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared then an Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

A few of Life’s Little Chuckles

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of white-out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tea ready!

Last night I was watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, What would you like for dinner, chicken, beef or lamb?  I replied  'Chicken, please.'   She then replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy and  I named him England..He is mainly black and brown with a small white patch.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

EATING IN THE FIFTIES and SIXTIES

Pasta was not eaten in Australia.Curry was a surname.  

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.  

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.  

All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had as whether to put the salt on or not.  Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.   

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.   Fish didn't have fingers in those days. 

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.  

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food. 

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it​,

​ they would have become a laughing stock!!

But the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties .." Elbows or Phones”.

Drovers Lament

A drover, moved to Queensland from Victoria , and walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX. He sits, drinking a sip out of each one in turn until he finishes, then he orders three more.

On his third round the bartender says, "You know, a glass begins to go flat after I draw it. So Ii may taste better for you if you bought one at a time." 

The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in 'Tassie' , another is now a 'Sand groper' from Adelaide. When we all left our home in Echuca' , we promised each other we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, And leaves it there.

The drover becomes a regular in the bar, and continues the habit . One day, he comes in and only orders two glasses..

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, The bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss." 

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, Then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army, and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though..

Monday, May 25, 2015

What is Globalization?

A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Princess Diana's death is the best way to understand globalization.

Because as an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend she crashed in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi On Japanese motorcycles, and treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

To simplify the definition even more this is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading it on a computer,with uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, all assembled by Bangladeshi workers In a Singapore plant, and then transported by Indian truck drivers, to ships at risk of being hijacked by Indonesians, and then unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and, if you are living in the US, trucked to you by Mexican illegals ....

That, my friends,Is Globalization !

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Puns for Educated Minds!

1. The fattest of King Arthur's knight was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi.

2.I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was an optical Aleutian.

3.She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4 A pistol confiscated from an algebra class, as a weapon of math disruption.

5.No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationery.

6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.

17.A backward poet writes inverse.

18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.When cannibals ate a missionary, They got a taste of religion.

20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,You'd be in Seine.

21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess  says,'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, and lit a fire to keep warm. Soon It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.A Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.A person sent ten puns to friends, to make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

A good catholic joke

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my  hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to

Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Friday, May 15, 2015

The British Penny

European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be aware that:

The phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used from 31 May 2015.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

If you have more questions, just give me a twinkle.

~000~

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing village. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. 

What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Monday, May 11, 2015

Off To The Pharmacy

One  day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and  takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying them on the  counter.

He  then asked the pharmacist,  “Could  you taste this for me, please”.

Being  a senior citizen, the pharmacist went along, taking  the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid,  puts  it in his mouth swills the liquid around and  with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.

“Now  does that taste sweet to you.” says  the old man?

The  pharmacist said to the old man.“Hell  no!” “Oh that's a relief”, said the old  man, “The  doctor told me to come here and  get my urine tested for sugar”.

~000~

Saturday, May 9, 2015

OLD FART PRIDE

I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better and actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events or the movies; during the playing of the national anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts aroond the world remember World War II, Normandy  Pearl Harbour ,  Guadalcanal and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Fart he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about  their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know their country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women working for and serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

I was taught to respect my elders.We need Old Farts now more than ever.It's just getting harder to find them.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

A Simple Life Well Lived

Can a person have too much success? Here is story about a Mexican fisherman that shows success in a simple life well lived.

A Little Story

The businessman at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village saw a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large Yellowfin Tuna.

The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The businessman then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor."

The businessman pondered a moment and then said

“maybe I could help you. If you spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.

Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"

To which the businessman replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, Señor?"

The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions,

OK señor sounds fine ? But then what?"

The businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings”

The fisherman, smiling, looked up and said that sounds great. But maybe I can help you to save a whole lot of time by showing you how to skip the middle bit.

Then a broad Mexican grin of expectation lit up on his face as he asked, “Señor, I have an idea, Do you wanna  join me for a sip wine and play guitar with me and my amigos tonight?”

“000”

More or Less

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

 
Plus
We are SPEECHLESS,
Our Society is CLUELESS,
Our Politicians are WORTHLESS
The Claims by Unions are Ridiculous
and
This is "Priceless".

Monday, May 4, 2015

Some pick you ups

You might have seen some of these before, but it doesn't hurt to have another laugh!

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I thought the first one was a bit racy, but ironically it could be listed as a defacement of plain English because -10 * -5  = 50 so the shades grey is a double negative  …lol

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Papal Golf

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one Cardinal, Mr. Netanyahu wants a golf challenge match to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jews and Catholics. "

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but having never held a golf club in his hand. he asked "Do we have a Cardinal to represent me?".

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play.

After the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have good news and bad news, your Holiness," he said..

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, but this was the best I have ever played. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect, truly miraculous. I felt like I was 30 years old again.”

"And what’s the bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Phil Mickelson.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Moving Puzzle

If you can put this together, say goodbye to Old-Timers Disease!  It's actually quite easy but if you fail your doctor can offer additional testing to check for Alzheimer's.

Seriously It is actually a neat puzzle! so don’t give up if it stretches your brain a bit takes a bit longer.  Sorry, You do have to be on the web to solve it but it is worth it.

Start  Moving Puzzle / Alzheimers Test

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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A glass of wine

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists demonstrate that if we drink one litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor);  because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Hence if Water = Poop, and Wine = Health, isn’t it  better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit..

Monday, April 27, 2015

Un-Quotable Quotes

In the 1960s there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Basically stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not. But the show was the one-liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer.  Some of the best responses are below.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness.
(The audience laughed so long it took almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and think he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you gesture more with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

The Elevator

An Amish man and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
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The man asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
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They watched with amazement, as a fat lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
clip_image003The walls then opened and the lady rolled into a small room and the walls closed,
The man and his father then watched the numbers light up sequentially. They saw it reached the last number, then light in the reverse clip_image004order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old stepped out.
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'Go get your Mother, quick '
 
~000~




Friday, April 24, 2015

The Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.........it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Are you living or just awake??

This lovely story is inspiring ..If true it would include a name but consider it is anyway in view of the really great point it makes.

On the first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, ’Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded; 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day over the ensuing months we would leave class together and talked nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!

I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older.  That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.’ 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example.

She understood that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be and that we make a living by what we get. but we make a Life by what we give.

Using Actung response to win one-up-man-ship game

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle was saying how lazy the British are.as he told some friends he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days.

An old Geordie man listening nearby mutters.......Way Aye  man....I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day.

The German trucker snorted and said....Oh Yeah....what rig were you driving ?
The old fella replied....... A LANCASTER BOMBER !!!!!!!!!!

~000~

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Why Teachers continue to drink heavily

The following questions were in a second chance General Education  Development (GED) examination. The absence of citation does not mean the responses are not genuine .

Q. What is a turbine?

A.... Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.


Q. How is dew formed.
A... The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.... If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.... Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs . (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.... When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.... Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.... Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.... A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.... Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.... Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.... The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.... A Roman Emperor. � (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.... Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Child's description of a thunderstorm.

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A little girl walked to and from school daily. One day as the she was heading home the winds whipped up fast, along with lightning and thunder.

The mother also saw the weather and being concerned for her daughter being frightened and coming to harm, she drove the route to her child's school.

When she saw her little girl walking, she noted that at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

When she drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called,

"What are you doing?"

The child answered,

"I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

~000~

Monday, April 20, 2015

Political Correctness

In recent years, many of the things I wanted to write or say have been stymied by what has become known as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"!  a term that previously was never previously in my vocabulary.

When doing some research, someone at Truman Library & Museum in Independence, Missouri. sent me copies of four telegrams.

These were exchanged between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Japanese Surrender. This gave me an understanding of what "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means!!

The contents of those four telegrams are reproduced verbatim below. Not a single word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions!

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

~000~

Sunday, April 19, 2015

The importance of an occupation after retirement


As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

clip_image001It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS A QUOTE FROM HAROLD:


"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Putin Magic

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions,

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says , "I have Four questions" 

Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And

Where is Sasha?"

Friday, April 17, 2015

Who said Australians weren't romantic?

of course I love ya' darlin' You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous. I mean every single word

So ya' bum is on the big side,  I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready, There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya', I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya', I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age, Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya' did ya' best

I'm tellin' ya' the truth now.I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy, That you've got dimples on ya' thighs

I swear on me nana's grave now.The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya' dear

Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Estate Planning

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop.  In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army.  Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house.  Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And, don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.”
“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “She actually said that?”
The father replied:  “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that.  What she said was, “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed.  We’re going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign.”

- 000 -

 

I know you saw it before but who cares, It is till funny a 2nd time with this version.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

This is a puzzle called Lateral Thinking ..

We are dispensing the jokes  and doing a puzzle today..(thanks to David Brown)

I know Robert and John will have no problem but who knows, all the rest may surprise themselves. Even Maz, who told me she went blonde last week. Also Jerry will have no problem.but we will understand if you miss a few. Bob let me know how you go ?

Here's how it works . I give you a word equation (in the bold) and you try to solve it

man

------------

board


Ans. = man overboard

Got the hang of it. but just in case we will do one more together.

One thing so this is not complete mental torture, the answers follow a bit below. But if you scroll too quick you see them and that spoils the fun. So scroll back a bit to hide it and then try to guess, before you look.  I found it fun and just so you what you have to beat, I got none. 

stand

------------

i

 

 

 


 

Ans. = I understand


OK . Got the drift ?  Let's try a few now and see how you fare on your own?


/r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = reading between the lines


r

road

a

d

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = cross road

Not having a good day now, are you ?  Redeem yourself.


cycle

cycle

cycle

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = tricycle

easy ha .. yes how come you and I didn’t figure that out ?


0

------------

M.D.

Ph.D.

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought ! !  I can say that now ….

 

knee

light

 

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = neon light
( knee - on - light )


U can prove u r smart by getting this one.


ground

---------------

feet feet feet feet feet feet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = six feet underground

Oh no, not again ! !  But I love it ….How many got it backwards and guesed  “feet on the ground”

ecnalg


 
 
 
 

 


Ans. = backward glance

Not even close ! !  but I se why ,, bit boring that one


death ....... life

 

 


Ans. = life after death

Hm ..alright clever dick Barry. I know you got that one

For the rest of us here is a last chance ...................


THINK

 

 

 


Ans. = think big ! !


And the last one is real fundoo - - -


 

abababababababababababababababababababab...

 

 

 

 

 


Ans. = long time no 'C'  
what an anticlimax …lol


 
 
 

Oh well we cant all be Einstein can we? -  Keep Smiling'

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
  On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
  ************ ********* ********* *******  
  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
  She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
  'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
  The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
  ************ ********* ********* *********
  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'                 
************ ********* ********* ********* ****
  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
  ************ ********* ********* *******
  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
  ************ ********* ********* *****
  'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '
  ************ ********* ********* *****
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* ***
  Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .
  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
  ************ ********* ********* ********* *
  A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
  A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"                 
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."