"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

God Bless Daddy

A father put his year daughter to bed and listened to her prayers which ended with, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?", "I don't know daddy; it just seemed the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months he listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.". The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Some weeks later the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep and got up at dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office and stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "You never work late. What's the matter?"  "I don't want to talk, I've just had the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, This morning my tennis instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

Monday, August 29, 2011

Its Finally here -MEN WILL BE SO HAPPY.

Is Trish just now trying to appease us me guys.

I don’t care The humour she finds are always just great


Saturday, August 27, 2011

When it's no good for anything, there's always art

Phallic or not making use of no longer useful male appendages can be fun to extend their usefulness when they can be used take on other personas.

There sure are some funny people women about who can make fun of the otherwise hallowed ground of our preferred stud image as men.. Good on Beth. Here is some of her latest humor collection.

The favorite is


and some other good ones






Saturday, August 20, 2011


imageA woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. 
She puts goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a coffee in front of him, deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye then sips his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' 
The husband looks up from his coffee.

I am just remembering when we met 20 years ago and began dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?' he says solemnly. 
The wife is touched to tears at her husband.  'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily... 
'Do you remember your father catching us in the back seat of my car?' 
'Yes,!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. 
The husband continues. And  he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either marry my daughter, or I you will go to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly. 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 
'I would have been released  today. '

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Something you should know

imageTension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Brothel

clip_image001The madam opened the brothel door in and saw a dignified, well-dressed, man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?"
The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else"

He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."

When  Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. but without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanded Suzy.
Suzy explained no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man paid the £5000, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied,  "Edinburgh."
"Really,"  she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh  ."

"I know."  the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer

She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1.  Death 2.  Taxes 3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Green Thing

imageA cashier told an older woman she should bring her own bags as plastic bags are not environmental.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care."

Yes she said but our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Then, we returned milk bottles, soda and beer bottles. Stores sent to the plant to be washed and recycled over and over. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, as we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

We washed the baby's diapers as we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not a machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

We didn't fire up an engine to cut the lawn. We pushed mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working not in a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

People took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal from 2,000 miles in space in order pizza.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we ‘old’ folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Don’t mess with a wine taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

Does your shower have those Grippy things?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Anyone fancy a game of hand-shandy?

Very funny clip taken from DVD Show Reel 'One Sick Puppy -

Sketches Written By Richard Parker' From BBC's 'Lucky Bag' Featured performers Lynne Seymour, Richard Nichols, Karen Wynne