"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

2+2+2 = @#!!#!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a cat!!!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Why do we say “That’s Irish”?

The Irish live such a simple life, even when expressing themselves.....

For example Paddy texts his wife.....

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.  If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

Police Response: Australia. Canada, USA.

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.(don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you)

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what message does this send  society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he runs falls, knocks his head and kills himself, do I get blamed?
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

American Police Officer:


Tuesday, February 25, 2014


A man driving on a deserted stretch of highway notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. until
he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

He begins to realize that these signs are for real when he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

Curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. At the end of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He walks to the door and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you, my son?'

'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun then stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
Another nun in a long habit then opens it, holding a tin cup

This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


Monday, February 24, 2014

Will Little Johnny ever grow up?

Teacher asked her 3rd grade kids : "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, decides not to acknowledge and continues with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, fuck that. I want to be Johnny’s bitch!!!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Why Ethel changed Motels

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
She said she knew me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations were stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Married 50 + years

clip_image001After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Don't mess with Mature Lady’s

I love this story . If you have seen it before & know the end I bet you still read it thru again

A  mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..In the conversation sequence of events following she is referred to as “Older Women”

The Traffic Cop walks to offending car and beckons her to wind down her window, which she does.
Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older  Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. 
Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?
Older  Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older  Woman:  I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older  Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older  Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please! The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?
Officer  2:  My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.
Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. .

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?
Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the  license quizzically. 

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled. My officer here said you didn't have a  license, you stole this car, and you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.