TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS.- Are you smarter than a 60 year old?

This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....

01. After the Lone Ranger rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

3. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ _ _____.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best.... _________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was______ ___________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________  ________ '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their  ______ _______.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to _______ ____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____ .   

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________

ANSWERS:

01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19.Monster Mash

20. Speedy

Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.

Will I live to see 85?

My mate recently picked a new primary care doctor.

I am past seventy two he told her so to put him at ease she scheduled some exhaustive tests over the next two visits.

In summary she said scanning the final lab report, she told “it seems you are doing fairly well, for your age.”

A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' he replied. 'And I'm not doing any drugs, either!'

“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'He said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

No, I don't,' he said.

“And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' none of that either “...

Her face took on wry look at hopelessness as she lifted her eyes from her notes and looking over her the top of her glasses she asked, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

 

(I think there has to be a message for us all in there somewhere)

Is Sex Work?

A US Marine Corps Colonel were assembled to started the morning briefing.

While the  coffee machine finished brewing the Colonel decided to pose a light hearted question.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep, He then posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major quickly chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain then offered the notion is was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant ‘s take was 25%-75% in favor of pleasure depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

Being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC in charge of making the coffee and asked “what is your opinion Marine?

Without hesitation, the Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The Colonel surprised, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

 

(I wonder how many of you read this tight thru and then still lauded out loud, even though you knew you had heard It before)

All Time Top 5 Smart Arse Answers– Remember them?

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row..
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.

 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
 

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR AND NUMBER 1!
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering..
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.

Creative Calendar from a Retirement Home.

‘Growing old’ is mandatory, ‘growing up’ is optional !! And If you haven’t grown up by the time you are FIFTY then you damn well don’t have to !!!

The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany, who follow this maxim produced a calendar where seniors amazingly recreated famous movie scenes.  The  shoot was done with professional stylists and photographers to make sure  everything looked as cool as possible. The technical age of all 19 youthful seniors pictured ranged for youngest being 77 to the oldest at 98 years old.


JANUARY

James  Bond

Wilhelm Buiting, 89


FEBRUARY


Breakfast  at Tiffany’s
Marianne Brunsbach, 86

MARCH

Titanic
Erna Rütt, 86, und Alfred Kelbch, 81

APRIL

Rocky
Erwin J. von der Heiden, 80


MAY

Mary  Poppins
Erna Schenk, 78


JUNE

The  Seven Year Itch
Ingeborg Giolbass, 84, und Erich Endlein, 88

JULY

Blues  Brothers
Margarete Schmidt (r.), 77, und Lothar Wischnewski 76

AUGUST

Cabaret
Martha Bajohr, 77

SEPTEMBER

Giant
Joanna Trachenberg, 81, und Horst Krischat, 78

OCTOBER

Saturday  Night Fever
Irmgard Alt, 79, und Siegfried Gallasch, 87

NOVEMBER

Dirty  Dancing
Johann Liedtke, 92 und Marianne Pape, 79

DECEMBER

Easy  Rider
Walter Loeser, 98 und Kurt Neuhaus, 90

Leave them something to remember you by!

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.”

The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure my husband will remarry, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

Advice for an older guy at the gym....

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

PAM AYRES - My Sat Nav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Don't mess with Mature Lady’s

I love this story . If you have seen it before & know the end I bet you still read it thru again

A  mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..In the conversation sequence of events following she is referred to as “Older Women”

The Traffic Cop walks to offending car and beckons her to wind down her window, which she does.
Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older  Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. 
Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?
Older  Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older  Woman:  I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older  Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older  Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please! The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?
Officer  2:  My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.
Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. .

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?
Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the  license quizzically. 

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled. My officer here said you didn't have a  license, you stole this car, and you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. 

Newfie Christening

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Codfish, no, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot".

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, Well, what's my daughter's name?
Denise says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother , she thought, I really like Denise .

Then she asks, What's the boy's name?

The doctor replies Denephew

Redundancy rewarded

A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce..'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Rectum Stretcher

Well over the speed limit a woman passed over a bridge and got caught by a cop with a radar gun. 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? "  he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs -  $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face?  PRICELESS !!!

 

I think our policy not to repeat a joke must change. I laugh even harder whenever I se this one come up.