"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

How to fail school tests with dignity

Here are some test answers that show the way!

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New Rules For Mile High Club

The State of the Forces today .... well it had to happen I suppose


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While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith

Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

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'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We no longer call it the cockpit'
'It's the Box Office.'

Monday, April 27, 2009

Thoughts for a today - April 27 2009

Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in.
  - Leonardo da Vinci

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
  - Mark Twain

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
  - James M. Barrie

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pilots License from a Kellogg's Cereal Box

City of Abu Dhabi

Image via Wikipedia

This story has been around for a while about one of those  embarrassing moments any of us may find ourselves in. Anyone who fly's a new Airbus 340-600 that is!!

For someone who has trouble even playing with the flight simulator game on my computer, I can related to what may have happened here. And I an not surprised this test crew involved  found the job a bit awkward.

I am also so glad they could afford the mistake.

Here is the story:

An Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) flight crew on November 15, 2007 conducted pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi. The ADAT crew taxied to the run-up area. Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft.

This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside it's hangar in Toulouse, France,  without a single hour of airtime on the clock....

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The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.

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Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is.

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The take-off warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had All 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.)

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Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.

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The computers automatically released all the brakes -...and set the aircraft rocketing forward and ........... oops

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The crew did not know this is a safety features that pilots can't land with the brakes on. 

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so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.

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The extent of injuries to the crew is was not known as the news was was not made too public.

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But finally, the photos started to leak out.

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That the £200 million aircraft went to the the wall.

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The secret is safe as I told al my email friends not to tell anyone

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dispute Between Neighbours

A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height.

The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.

Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found...

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The Local Authority said the vents can stay since there is no planning law referring to shutter design.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Patriotic Retirement

This was an article in a recent edition of the St. Petersburg Times
newspaper in the U.S The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

This was voted the BEST idea....they thought this nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Rather than give billions to bail out greedy financiers, how
about encouraging "Patriotic Retirement":

There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force -
pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following
stipulations:

1) They must leave their jobs. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.

2) They must buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars
ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They must either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed.

Can't get any easier than that!
Costs about the same as the bailout.
Why isn't Washington that smart?

Best duck joke around

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
  
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," imagesays the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The Circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .



"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"




(bet you still laughing at that one Jai)

Friday, April 17, 2009

Irish Medical Dictionary

I thought I was impotent but now I know I am just ordinary But as always the Irish save the best to last. Read on and enjoy.

Artery

The study of paintings

Bacteria

Back door to cafeteria

Barium

What doctors do when patients die

Benign

What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section

A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan

Searching for Kitty

Cauterize

Made eye contact with her

Colic

A sheep dog

Coma

A punctuation mark

Dilate

To live long

Enema

Not a friend

Fester

Quicker than someone else

Fibula

A small lie

Impotent

Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain

Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff

A Doctor's cane

Morbid

A higher offer

Nitrates

Cheaper than day rates

Node

I knew it

Outpatient

A person who has fainted

Pelvis

Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative

A letter carrier

Recovery Room

Place to do upholstery

Rectum

Nearly killed him

Secretion

Hiding something

Seizure

Roman emperor

Tablet

A small table

Terminal Illness

Getting sick at the airport

Tumour

One plus one more

Urine

Opposite of you're out

2xCondoms

To be sure, to be sure

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Monday, April 6, 2009

What we were reading in Mar, 2009

I pinched this from the http://www.performancecontroller.com/ blog. Or PCB as we call it. You can check it out if you like. But to be honest, it is just one of those boring business blogs that waffle on about business. This material I wrote for them so I figure it is not plagiarism, is it? Unless they catch me stealing my work back.

rapheastman1Well anyway It seems ages since recession ended doesn't it?.

My Quote for this month

I have seen the future and it doesn't work".-

This is such a great one liner by Canadian author and journalist Robert Fulford

At PCB They did a bunch of posts and their readership short thru the roof, despite my suggestion to turn off. Clearly people have too much idle time. Or is reading replacing TV as a pastime.. I wonder?

Here is some of what they wrote :

Actually some of it is not bad!!!

Here is what they said they read about:

Sawbones Online fans get a second book

imageThis month we saw, yes another Wood, add a second book to the reading maize. Trevor Wood an Australian illustrator, has again dug deep into the realms of the living dead with his comic books about a zombie odd couple. In this he re-animates the dead with the comic "Sawbones".

Wood, who teamed up with writer Jen Breach, who together have been publishing weekly comics for over two years with books also coming in multiple story format.

The two main characters, are rough and ready cowboy, Sheriff Sawyer and pompous English buffoon, Bones O'Brien, They get involved in comic adventures, with a focus firmly on slapstick. "The violence is implied," Wood says. who adds "We put them in everyday situations instead of dealing with the situation normally, they eat your brains,"

In keeping with http://www.performanceecontroller.com/ policy of no direct plugs, even to ourselves, (what a silly idea that is) we cannot suggest you visit their website and order a book. Actually that is not true.The truth is if you don't get an order in quickly, you will most likely have to go on back-order and wait.

Sawbones Volume 2 and 1 are both available at comic stores and http://sawbonesonline.com/comic/

Is it Confidential, Maybe Not?

image Lawyers know, or should know, that the photos, documents, videos and other similar files that they attach to emails, and send out into the cloud, contain metadata. This hidden data contains information about the attachments that may, or may not, be intended to remain confidential. Lawyers, especially, must be concerned about confidentiality of communications.

Read Full Post on this >>

To Tweet or not to Tweet

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Do you have a Twitter account yet? If not you may get left behind as everyone else seems t have one.

But and for the life of me the value is still elusive as we are sending out and receiving loads of tweets to see what happens. But not so for many who just use it daily and for early adopter marketers who learning about this new channel for communication. They could be onto something here so I plan to follow this.

There is a lot more to come on Twitter I am sure as phenomena that is growing exponentially. The present Google acquisition rumors reflect Twitter's importance as a social media and micro blogging service.

Check go this out ?>

Up and Comer Blog

image New entrant to the business blog world is Singaporean Vince Chew. Vince is a young IT veteran and business change consultant who packs a punch when it comes to contributing to others. Knowing Vince as we do in person, we know his new blog will be worth watching for sure. we have also added it to our blog roll.

Why not check check out his new Creative Management blog and take a look at his post Writing good reports for success

Guess The Nationality (Love this one)

I was doing some research on marketing and awareness programs and I came across this titillating advertising, designed to get attention, as it asks you to Guess The Nationality!

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Is it....American? Swiss? Spanish? French? Italian? Brazilian?

As you can see on the picture right .. the answer is Polish

Beating the Tom Tom Update

Microsoft and TomTom announced they have reached a settlement in their respective patent suits.

As part of the deal, TomTom will pay Microsoft for coverage for the software maker's mapping-related patents as well as the file management patents that Microsoft claimed were infringed by TomTom's use of the Linux kernel. Microsoft will also get access to the TomTom patents that were cited in TomTom's countersuit against Microsoft, although Microsoft won't be making any payment to TomTom.

In a statement, the two companies said that the settlement provides TomTom patent coverage "in a manner that is fully compliant with TomTom's obligations under the General Public Lucense Version 2." As part of the agreement, TomTom will "remove from its products the functionality related to two file management systems patents," over the next two years. The agreement protects TomTom's customers under the patents during that time, the companies said.

Read the Full C Net Post>>

Encarta moves over for Wikipedia

image In a recent Mashable.com post reported a Microsoft quote about Encarta closure

“Encarta has been a popular product around the world for many years. However, the category of traditional encyclopedias and reference material has changed. People today seek and consume information in considerably different ways than in years past.”

The post goes on to say Wikipedia boasts 2.7 million entries in English versus just 42,000 for Encarta.

Check it out >>

Russia Microsoft Dichotomy

image This month, Ina Frieda a writer at CNet, has her attention focused on on Microsoft. In one article this month she talks about the Software giant coming under anti trust scrutiny in Russia. Talk about maturing, it was not long ago Russia was listed on Microsoft's piracy board as one of the highest offending countries outside Indonesia. It is amazing how the wheel turns.

Anyway if you are interested in Microsoft check out Ina's Recent posts from Beyond Binary

Pirates and who Benefits

image It is a well know that John Kemeny and Thomas Kurtz wrote the original Dartmouth BASISC programming software that got Microsoft started. As the story goes Bill Gates and Paul Allen, the founders of Microsoft, then modified it and sold as their first product at Micro-Soft (that was the company's name when it started business).

According to Sam Varghese at ITWire in his post last month he adds that everyone agrees the famous whine in 1976 saw Gates invent the term "software piracy." He also outlines more about Gates view on the ling term benefits that will flow to Microsoft from China when they do start paying for software.

I for one have always been convinced that the 3 US dollarsimage price you pay for any software in Jakarta is a Cartel level rate agreed by vendors to propagate its software into this developing nation. In Thailand a common folk law view is the Pantip Plaza, is actually owned by Microsoft Pantip is the home of the 15 minute pirate copy burners.

Read more on How piracy benefits Microsoft>>

The Singapore Lion

image Singapore's latest technology blueprint, called Intelligent Nation 2015 (iN2015), was announced in 2006. It is designed to help the nation achieve various economic and social benefits through more sophisticated and innovative use of infocomm technologies.

Through iN2015, Singapore is aiming for a two-fold rise in value driven by its infocomm industry to S$26 billion (US$17 billion) and a three-fold increase in infocomm export revenue to S$60 billion (US$39 billion). It is also targeting for this industry to create 80,000 new jobs.

Read More on Singapore Lion>>

India consultant service coming of Age?

IMG_6867 And here's Kate the Uma-Kataya, label queen also of The Dancing Feather Fashion House fame,

She is in India now buying and coordinating her designer ranges in productions for the summer releases this year. Nothing new there but as a student of India and the constant change in the fashion business, she noticed the consultants trend is very interesting.

India as a country has had an English speaking base for over 400 years and the richness of this and other languages makes for interesting influences on their cultures.

As India maturing commercially continues with its increasing economic importance, so does the Indian consultants influence in the world's largest managements.

“Conventional wisdom in the US holds that consulting firms like McKinsey have nothing to fear from Indian firms. The reason is that Indian firms are most unlikely to win high-end strategy and board level consulting business, at the expense of the likes of McKinsey and Bain, because the cultural barriers are way too high.”?

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That is a quote from this Indian journal which challenges this conventional wisdom as it goes on to ask “will companies like Wipro and Infosys work to help US and other developed nation firms change their culture”?

Check it out www.indiajournal.com/pages/event.php?id=6300

Posted By Ralph Eastman who is using the false name Freddy Frango so he can remain anonymous and incognito