"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Friday, July 18, 2008

What kind of car are you

Have you ever given thought as to what kind of car you might be if you were a car?

Me neither, so I decided to check it out when someone sent me this quick 12 question test.

Visit http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/ and have a laugh!

BTW I am a Porsche

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Do you know your shit?

A stranger sat next to Little Jayson on a plane and turned to him and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard flights go quicker that way.'

Little Jayson, had just opened his book, so he closed again it and said, 'Ok, what would you like to talk about?'

''How about nuclear power?' the stranger he smiles’, 'That could be interesting.

“Ok.” says Little Jayson “But let me ask you a question first?.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by Little Jayson's intelligence, says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

Little Jayson then replies, 'So do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Wrong email address

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Dogs on trains

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat? 'The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

'She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up thelittle dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Gone Ice Fishing

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says , 'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Christian the lion

How about this Trish? who said they didn't like cats?

Charity run- PKU research

This is a letter I got from a good mate whose granddaughter is a PKU sufferer.

Maybe you can help too...

July 11, 2008

Dear Gordon,
Charity Marathon for PKU Research

As discussed, my grand daughter Logan, now 2, was born with Phenylketonuria (PKU).

This inherited genetic life long condition with no known cure, stops the processing of phenylalanine (Phe), an amino acid found in protein. This means Logan must have excluded from her diet any food containing protein, so she can live a full life.

PKU research, as a rare condition, is charity funded. The doctors, consultants and dieticians at Birmingham Children’s Hospital, are world class and work tirelessly with Logan and other PKU patients to understand this more.

On October 26th Logan’s Dad and my son in law, Mark Richardson, will run the Birmingham, UK, half marathon to raise funds for PKU research at the Birmingham Children Hospital’s metabolic disorders department.

Doctors now know PKU is caused by a defect enzyme, called phenylalanine hydroxylase (PAH) This enzyme works to process Phe found in protein-containing foods. In order for PAH to work, it needs BH4, a molecule that is normally naturally present in the body. The PAH enzyme defect means it can’t find BH4 to do its job, so too much Phe builds up in the body.

For a PKU afflicted person, when such foods are consumed the unrestrained Phe build up becomes toxic to the brain. High Phe levels, for extended periods, leads to severe mental retardation and other serious side effects, such as vomiting, irritability, eczema, seizures, psychological and behavioural issues.

PKU sufferers must exclude all foods containing Phe from their diet. Meat, egg, dairy, and nut products, are obvious, but also most wheat products, pasta and bread, some fruits such as oranges and cherries, are off the list too.

Mark has set up a “just giving” sponsorship page. If you would like to sponsor him then please click on the link and you will be directed to the page. http://www.justgiving.com/markandmartinspkurun

You offer to contribute can be accepted in any currency, but GBP’s may be the best. Additionally, it would be good if you could mail this on to others you know.

Obviously this is a cause close to me and as such any support would be welcome, and while there is still time to think it through.

Best Regards
Geoff Bell
Contact Details
Mobile +66 (0) 8 95107611
Efax +1 (0) 646 2195170

Friday, July 11, 2008


We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons, ' where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown.

Well, how about some 'ARSEICONS?'

Why not try some of these for size:

  • (_!_) a regular arse
  • (__!__) a fat arse
  • (!) a tight arse
  • (_*_) a sore arse
  • {_!_} a swishy arse
  • (_O_) an arse that's been around
  • (_x_) kiss my arse
  • (_X_) leave my arse alone
  • (_zzz_) a tired arse
  • ( _E=mc2_) a smart arse
  • (_$_) Money coming out of his arse
  • (_?_) Dumb Arse

You have just been e-mooned!

Ok, so now you have had some fun, how about you sending this to 5 people within the next hour. And as always nothing will happen. But maybe it will... and you will be blessed with people laughing at your jokes.

Monday, July 7, 2008



Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies,
'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'



Thursday, July 3, 2008

Take a Bus Paddy

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I cant be bothered to walk all that way.'

"I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no cab money the last bus has gone.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet? '

Paddy shouts back, 'I cant find a No. 91 '

'Oh Jeysus , ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout ?

Little Old Lady Joke

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot little bastard.

Dear Dad

A father passing by his daughter's bedroom was astonished to see that her bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad," With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Carlos and he is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of him because of all his piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that he is much older than I am, but it's not only the passion…Dad, I am pregnant.

Carlos said that we will be very happy. He owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Carlos has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Carlos can get better. He deserves it.

Don't worry Dad I know I'm only 15, but I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your daughter

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Eva's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Taking my dad for lunch

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."