This is why I didn't make the Olympics squad...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat - use the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.
The medical officer instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em', . The medical officer then placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam. '
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
Next get kicked out for being too healthy and go collect the pension.
Then start work, and get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
Work for 40 years until young enough to enjoy retirement.
Then party, drink alcohol, and are be generally promiscuous, till ready for high school.
Then after go to primary school and then become a kid, and just play with no responsibilities,
Become a baby until born. With the last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, and larger quarters every day and then..
Finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case. “Woody Allen“
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ' Dad , can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
(You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)..............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a
room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose
When these were written at least someone had a sense of humour.
Browsing Old Cemeteries
A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.
Friday, August 8, 2008
He says aloud, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood me!'
'I got every word,' I am a highly intelligent & educated bird.'
So how how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' its embarrassing I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
So the guy walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'
'What are you talking about?'
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,'
And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'
Frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!