"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Heaven Arrival Counter

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too.

I knew she was into some hanky panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him onto the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."

Today, May 31 we wish David Brown a very happy birthday. Good on you mate!!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Good advice....

Don’t die a virgin. there are terrorists up there waiting for you !!

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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Profound thought for today

The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court wear black robes and scare white people.

How did this escape me?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Memories Rendition - a brilliant spoof by Pam Peterson

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Brilliant rendition of Memories with substitute lyrics by Pam Peterson

Be sure to put your headset on for this one. The lyrics are great but her voice blows you away too. 

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Why

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

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Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

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Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

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Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

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EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Ultimate Dream Job

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If the show fits wear it

Alok and team, this one is for you!!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Heroic Story

On January 9th, a group of Bedford Indiana bikers were riding south on I-65 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Ohio River bridge.  So they stopped.

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George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN FOR THE SAME REASON!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in IRELAND, Tiger Woods was taking  a look around. He drove his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knew nothing about golf greeted him in typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir" said the attendant.

Tiger nodded a quick 'hello' and bent forward into the boot  to get his credit card from his bag. As he did so, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those", asked the attendant.
"They're called tees" replied Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquired the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", said Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", said the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting

Monday, May 6, 2013

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Eyeborg: Hearing Colors

 

This TedEx video has to be one the most exciting potentials of mankind.

How I wish. A whole life experience onto a USB stick. Or even better in the cloud as open source….

Available to all. Only real problem will be to provide context to individual's dimensions…..

 

Here is the test reproduced at that site

Artist Neil Harbisson was born completely color blind, but these days a device attached to his head turns color into audible frequencies. Instead of seeing a world in gray-scale, Harbisson can hear a symphony of color - and yes, even listen to faces and paintings.

Neil Harbisson's "eyeborg" allows him to hear colors, even those beyond the range of sight. Watch this fascinating lecture he gives where he gives many examples of what one can do with such a sense.