"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Happy Birthday David

Dear David,

Happy birthday mate.

And make it a real good one on this milestone day, not just another day as you might prefer it.

So now you are 60 remember that inside every older person is a younger person, wondering what the heck happened?' And of course it may be good to know that hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

If you think those are corny, here are a few more I have added as I found them. The truth is I have been saving those up for months.

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find young, women who are sexually interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can you increase the heart rate of a 60 year old husband?
A: Wife tell him she’s pregnant.

Q: Why should 60 year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60 year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60 year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"

By the way a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Our very best wishes for a happy day
Gordon Marg & family

Thursday, May 29, 2008

THE YEAR'S BEST 2007

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think ?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gasin Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]



And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



We all need a good laugh, keep laughing it will keep you young....

Monday, May 26, 2008

Ponder on these imponderables

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people fromHolland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a personwho drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it followthat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny littlespoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What\are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put theirpictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while\they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but whenyou send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Friday, May 23, 2008

From the sky

As an amateur photographer, I realize there is so much I need to learn when I see shots like these.

Some rare are truly superb shots and of such high quality would you agree?

Interesting the photographers name and website was on some sample photos in a powerpiont that was sent to me yesterday by Trish Trevens.

I wanted to see more of his work at his web page but was too lazy to remember it, let alone to re-type in into the browser.

So Instead I googled the subject on Trish's email and his shots came up on at site first on the list.

I wondered why?

take a look ... and when you are done note the counter of the number of hist he gets. Then you will know why too...

http://files.kavefish.com/pictures/collections/pictures_from_the_sky/_index-list.html

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

USS Montana

Battle of the minds in the Irish sea.

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F##ck YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

And in Thailand there is one more: Up to you:, which translated means "you should know and don't get it wrong or you are in big trouble" Refer * & 8 & 9

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Carnation Milk 65 YEARS AGO

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!


She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'




Monday, May 12, 2008

The Wongs



Su Wong marries Lee Wong. and the next year, the Wongs have a new baby.


The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?










Sum Ting Wong

India is Wired


This is modern India today.

Where you call for your computer technical problems.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The widow & the ranch hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker whoput in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels!'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock andno hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots..' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.


'(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Billiards & Dominos

Domino effect to pocket all the billard balls on several tables.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXhc01G6Y20

This is brilliant .. que cu se?