"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

I didn't know that either –Bonus Sunday

Playing with a full deck

Common entertainment once included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'



Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

Minding your 'P's and Q's'

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.


And now for the Bonus : bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply stacked near to the cannon. The standard was stack of 30 is an square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which in turn rested on the bottom sixteen. which in turn were mounted in a specially made plate

This metal plate had 16 round indentations and was called a 'Monkey'. This clever design allowed all 30 cannon balls to be stacked in a way they could not roll about a very small area next to the cannon .

However, the early Monkey plates were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys which solved the problem' That was until the winter realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled..

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

(All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

Saturday, September 28, 2013

I didn't know that either –Saturday

Bee’s wax and Losing face

Personal hygiene once left much room for improvement. As a result, many women

and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's

wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were

speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face

she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax

would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too

close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression losing face.'


Straight laced

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and

dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Eve’s heart to heart with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

“What’s that  Eve?”

“I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and these wonderful animals, But it's very lonely, and to be frank I’m sick of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that Lord?”

“A flawed creature who lies, cheat and is vain sand who will give you a hard time.

But he’ll be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs too.

He will be witless and childish and like silly card games and knock a ball around.so he will be easily manipulated as he won’t be as smart as you, and will need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,” but what’s the catch?”

“Well,..... you can have him on one condition.”

“Ok and what’s that Lord? “

“Well, since he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. You know our little secret .....  woman to woman.”

I didn't know that–Thursday

Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Some People Never Stop Wine-ing


I didn't know that - Wednesday

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.

One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.

Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost buyers more.

Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Old Age at its BEST

clip_image001Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes  go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

I didn't know that either–Tuesday


Big Wig'

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig'. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy

Monday, September 23, 2013

Drink Water and You Could Live Forever

I asked my Doctor “why do I pee more at night, and should I stop drinking water before I hit the sack?”

clip_image002The first part of your question is easy he said

“When you are upright gravity holds water in the lower part of your body. So when you lie down the body (legs etc.) are level to your kidney which finds it easier to remove water.

The second part of your question is simple too.

“NO don't stop drinking water before bed time . As muscles seek re-hydration  when too much water is removed there is an increased risk of stroke heart attack or even just simple but painful things like leg cramps. A glass of water before bed reduces that risk.  

“Drinking water at other times also maximizes body effectiveness”

A couple of glasses of water after waking up helps activate internal organs

A glass of water before a meal - helps digestion

A glass of water before a bath - helps lower blood pressure” clip_image001

I didn't know that either– - Monday

Early aircraft's throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. Now you know, the rest of the story.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

Friday, September 20, 2013

I didn't know that either–Friday

Chairman of the Board

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Avoiding The Booze Bus Blues

I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving .

Some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session".

My story is I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. So I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Sensuous Wife

Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No",said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little s mile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave hi m another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...

Newfie Christening

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Codfish, no, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot".

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, Well, what's my daughter's name?
Denise says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother , she thought, I really like Denise .

Then she asks, What's the boy's name?

The doctor replies Denephew

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Innovative Cough Treatment

A Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant
"He wanted for syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives" says the assistant.
"You idiot" you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too bloody scared to cough"

Monday, September 16, 2013

Who wants to be a millionaire?

You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions and you could be .

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too! And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!  OR you have seen this one before?

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Interesting Road Accident Statistics

I was just reading about the major causes the road accidents which stated 22 % are caused by drunk drivers. That amazing fact seems to say it is far safer to be drunk when driving given the other 78% of accidents are caused by sobriety.

Friday, September 13, 2013


A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ...

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Dying confession

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The blonde and the cow

A  blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory  cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out  to check on the cows, the  stockman says  to Amy, 'The  insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our  cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above  where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him  where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The  stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while,  the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on  the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the  nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' 

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead  blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;  how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be  bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail  that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. 
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what,  pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to  walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I  guess it's to hang your pants  on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.) 

Friday, September 6, 2013

The Bottle of Wine

imageFor all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business tips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:  "Good trade....."