"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

We Know Drama

Somewhere in a little town in Belgium where nothing ever happens a button was placed in the town square and waiting for someone to push it to start the drama



Click on the picture or this button to see the drama unfold –a must watch


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Ingrish as it is spoken

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,

You have passed all the tests, except one.

It is a simple test of your English language skills

Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said,

You must make a sentence using the words

Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,

'Mister manager, I am ready.' The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green,

And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre. No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have.


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Danger of Annoying Other Passengers

After a busy day people going home on the train people had settled down for naps and their books and papers reading to their destination when a chap sitting on the train hauled out his mobile and started up.

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, I was with the boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

After 30 minutes this was still going, when a young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Roll Call

Attendance call on the first day back at school the teacher began roll call :

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

"Fatima Al Chadoury? ""Here."

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Silence in the classroom.

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

The silence continued as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,

"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"

A boy rose shyly ,"Sorry teacher. I think that's me; It's pronounced Michael Meyer

Friday, April 20, 2012

Humour only South Africans will appreciate

clip_image001On board a Zooma African Airways (ZAA) flight from Soweto to Kayelitsha . . .

Stewardess: “What would you like to drink, sir?”
Passenger: “Do you have dry white wine?”

Stewardess: “Sorry, sir, we only have wet white wine. What else would you like to drink?”
Passenger: “Can I have a Grand Cru?”

Stewardess: “Sorry, sir, but the ground crew they don't fly. What else would you like?”
Passenger: “Do you have any Bols [brandy]?”

Stewardess: “No, sir, but the captain has. What else can I offer you?”
Passenger: “Can I have a Captain Morgan?”

Stewardess: “Sorry, sir, the captain is captain Tshabalala, but he is flying the plane right now. What else would you like to drink?”
Passenger: “Just give me some coffee.”

Stewardess: “How would you like it, sir?”
Passenger: “Decaffeinated, please . . .”


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Real Aussie Court Item 12659 Case of the pregnant lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

An English Lawyer and a Chinese Man

An English lawyer and a Chinese man are seated together in fist class on a long flight from London to Malaysia. After a while the lawyer leans over nudges the sleeping Chinese man and asked if the would like to play a fun game.

The Chinese is tired and wants to nap, so he politely declines.But the lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; The you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500”, he says.

That got Chinese mans attention so he reluctantly agrees.to play the game

The lawyer asks first . 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'

The Chinese says nothing and being too tired to think he just reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer?

“Ok”, says the lawyer “now its your turn”. The Chinese man reluctantly continues and asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Chinese and hands him £500. The Chinese pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Chinese man up again and asks, 'Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Chinese.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Manana defined

Singer Julio Iglesias was recently on TV talk show with British host, when he used the word "mañana" (pronounced “manyana”). The host asked him to explain.

Iglesias said “In Spanish it means Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Like who really cares!!!" What equivalent word do you British use?

“Oh!” the host exclaimed a little taken by surprise , “In England I guess we just don't have any such word to describe that degree of urgency”



Sorry mate I changed it a bit.to make it more currently relevant for the the British to empathize. Tell Royston the original version he sent you is now way out of date with the South African flavor


Monday, April 16, 2012

Returned Mail

Can you believe it? They sent my Census form back to me ! Yes-n-de-de-dy-de......

I just told the truth.In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependents?"
I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons, and 650 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.Who the hell did I miss ?

What A Hoot

imageEach evening, bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl.

One night, he was rewarded for his patience when an owl called back to him. 

For the next year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth daily.  He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ...  calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied.  "So does my husband."

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Short and sharp – Go Pick the best

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $350!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably, and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.  Can you believe that? - 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my trumpet.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .  "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor.  
She only had $2.40 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.   She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife had been missing for a week. Police had told me to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

God and his Seamstress.

One day, a seamstress was sewing by a river and her thimble fell into the water.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord reached into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires..
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. clip_image002Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's clip_image003honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked..
'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral  Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

All Us Women

Editor’s Note .

Stories about morals can be oxymoronic especially when based on women's logic..Anyway what's so good about George Clooney?

(An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which incongruous or contradictory terms appear side by side.)

Friday, April 13, 2012


imageThe day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. But before I anyone can get into Heaven.they need to pass a small entrance exam. It will be no problem for you ' Forrest

He responds with, 'It sure is good to be here, sir.. Life for me was a big enough test so I would sure hope that the test isn't too hard. .'

St.. Peter continued, Ok Forrest, the test is only three questions, here you go.

  • First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
  • Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
  • Third: What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Today’s Inspirational Lesson


Thou Shalt Never irritate a woman, who can operate a backhoe...

Thus endeth the lesson.

Women are Angels...and when someone breaks their wings...they simply continue to fly....on a broomstick...They are flexible like that...


A Reminder .. Lest Ye Forget!!!!

Woman and a Fork

A young woman diagnosed with three months to live was getting her things 'in order,' She asked her Pastor to come to discuss her final wishes.

She told him the songs she wanted , and the scriptures and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. In the course of the conversation the Pastor asked if there was any thing else he could do for her.

The young woman suddenly  and excitedly responded with Oh yes and there's one more thing,'  'Its very important,' she continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'

The Pastor stood, not knowing quite what to say.

That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled,' said the Pastor.

She explained. My grandmother had a big influence on me and In my early years, I always remember when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, she would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork. Dear'

It was my favorite part  because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged her and knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. He also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.

At the funeral people walking by the young woman's casket saw the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman and what fork symbolized to her.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Why Most Americans are Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."*

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.....I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed

Italian Cruising

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds us of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner. Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

"There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill:

  • imageFirst their cuisine is unsurpassed.
    • Second their service is superb.
  • And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.

Monday, April 9, 2012


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.


He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, he goes to the head abbot to point out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy that error would be continued in all of the copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."


He goes down to the caves underneath the monastery to the original manuscripts in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,  

"We missed the R !  We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

"The word was...



Saturday, April 7, 2012

From the Catalog

Two IRISH MEN were looking at a
Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
From the catalogue?'
The second IRISHMAN replies......
'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
She sent all her clothes yesterday

Friday, April 6, 2012

Did the Spanish women invent the computer?

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into , male and female, and asked each group to compete to decide whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. with four reasons.
The men's group proposed 'computers” as feminine gender ('la computadora'), because
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, concluded computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
It was an open lay down misère The women won.
('Lay Down Misere' is Australian gambling slang for a "dead cert"; a predicted easy victory)

Monday, April 2, 2012



Blood Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth Indicator, 


Neurologists say if they can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours they can totally reverse the effects of a stroke....

During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and fell – Embarrassed she recovered and assured everyone that she was fine and had just tripped because of her new shoes.

They got her a new plate of food and she went on enjoying herself for the rest of the meal before she left with her husband.

Her husband called later to say that his wife had been taken to the hospital and had died. She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ.

If someone had recognized the symptoms and called for help she may have been fine today ....

One simple test of a stroke is to ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue.

If it is 'crooked', goes to one side or the other that is an indication of a stroke.

Also use the first three letters STR. as a guide to ask questions to recognize a stroke

S  *
Ask the person to SMILE.
T  *
Ask the person to TALK (Coherently) (I.e. It is sunny out)
  *Ask The person to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If they have trouble with ANY of these, call emergency