"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Happy Birthday Bruce and Lynda etc.

image Seeing two of our regulars Bruce and Lynda Sansome are having a big 0 milestone birthday this week so we thought it appropriate to give him our very best wishes.

Being born in the same month and year, just few days ago, cradle snatcher, Lynda Sansome celebrated hers and today is baby Bruce’s turn. Today they are enjoying some time with their kids and their families and friends.

When I saw them this week, to keep ahead of Bruce, Lynda slipped me a story to add to the blog. In the interests of preserving their secret to eternal  youth she did asked me not to divulge their age, hence my evasiveness.

Anyway here is the story

A couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe.
The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, “Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

Happy Birthday you guys!

Hey it is David Brown’s Birthday today too. But his wife Jacquie didn't send any jokes and it is not a big one so its no big deal. We are not so sure where they are too as it seems they have got lost somewhere in Malta. Have fun and Happy birthday to you too David

Saturday, May 29, 2010

History's top 10 appropriate uses of the F-word:

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK,   1963
... drum roll please ...
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" Tiger Woods, 2010

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Annual apology

Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures, jokes, and political cartoons to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist, shallow, and narrow-minded..

If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

From now on I will only post things with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris. It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604..... over 500 years ago!!!!

WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME FROM??? Sorry about that!!!!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Empire State Health and Safety


On health and safety record of the Empire State Building construction, according to official accounts, five workers died during the construction. After looking at these photos I find that hard to believe.

I am going to send this to my son who is a construction manager in Melbourne. He is especially vigilant on heath and safety issues that impact the welfare of his crews and his projects.

Take a look at these photos taken by Lewis Wickes Hine in 1930’s during the Empire State Building Construction. it is an eye opener how things were once done.


For those interested in the New York landmark in this energy filled city, especially if you have been on the 102nd Floor observatory, I picked out some highlights of what Wikipedia has to say about it .
Manhattan at Dusk by slonecker.jpg

The Empire State Building was the world's tallest building from 1931 to 1973 Preceded by Chrysler Building (in the background of the picture) surpassed by World Trade Center

The Empire State Building is the third tallest skyscraper in the Americas (after the Willis Tower (formerly Sears Tower) and Trump International Hotel and Tower both in Chicago), and the 15th tallest in the world. It is also the fourth tallest freestanding structure in the Americas.

The Empire State building is currently undergoing a $550 million renovation, with $120 million to be utilized in an effort to transform the building into a more energy efficient and eco-friendly structure.

General information

  • Location 350 Fifth Avenue New York, New York 10118
  • Constructed 1929–1931
  • Use Office, observation
  • Height Antenna or spire 1,454 ft (443.2 m)
  • Roof 1,250 ft (381.0 m)
  • Top floor 1,224 ft (373.2 m)[6]
  • Technical details
  • Floor count 102
  • Floor area 2,768,591 sq ft (257,211 m2)
  • Cost $40,948,900[7]
  • Companies involved
  • Architect(s) Shreve, Lamb and Harmon
  • ContractorStarrett Brothers and Eken
  • Management W & H Properties

Friday, May 21, 2010


I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) 

Event at the Ford  Center next weekend  in Glendale AZ., if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
Should be a good show.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Cyanide and Happiness


Childbirth at 65


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Bangkok Ignites:The City of Angels is on Fire


This is a copy of a post I posted on www.performancecontroller.

Tonight (May19th 2010) there is an eerie yellow feel in the city of angels with Bangkok now under a curfew . The only people on the streets are the army, police, authorized people and emergency services.

The events of today that saw the protest rallies ended and leaders arrested then transformed into lawless rioting and burning.

I just went to the rooftop of my apartment building where I can see the normally busy street now empty below. And to the north the famous Bangkok expressway hub that normally has constant flow of vehicles, now as none.

I took this photo over the nearby Bumrungrad Hospital where you can see the fire dominating the skyline as the Central World Mall just 4 Kilometers away continues to burns. Red flames are clearly visible reflecting on the billowing smoke as this landmark burns to the ground. 

I am not sure yet if the office tower attached to the Mall is burning too. If so like many others effected our business will be a casualty too as our office in on one of the higher floors.  


(Click on this picture to link  to the original CNN Video showing the Central World Mall on fire.)

In the last few days it is difficult to move around in the city. Today was worse as the army moved to control escalating events. People were advised  to do only what are essential things. Many have left the city to go to the provinces including some of our staff. For many foreigners they have or will return to their counties in fear of further escalating tensions.

I had to walk quite a distance from my home to get past the razor wire blockades set up by the army to contain and defend against the ongoing civil lawlessness. Just nearby it was curious to see a mix of soldiers crouched and behind sandbag defense lines in readiness for potential attack while people streamed past purposefully as they leave new danger zones.

imageFor .

As cell tower towers communications were being cut in attempts to stop rioters re-grouping so many people I saw had cell phones to their ears as it seemed intent on learning of troubles ahead and where the dangers might be.

Needless to say my venture out was short as I competed my errand and returned home.

As a chronological record I have updated the detail events of today in. http://www.performancecontroller.com/blog/2010/05/being-on-the-spot-in-bangkok-is-not-a-good-scene/#comments 

I have also pasted it under the fold below:

Impressive Invention

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True Story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Come up and see me sometime

...conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . 
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' 
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' 
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' 
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!' 
Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Bangkok is a tinderbox right now


For an update on the latest situation in Bangkok arar6:30 M Local time go this link Bangkok is a tinderbox right now.

Bangkok and all that - Families do Care

For those with an interest in Bangkok I am keeping updates on the comments section of my other blog


Click on the picture to link to some photos I took yesterday. This one shows soldiers in front of MacDonald's on Sukhumvit Soi 4  The tourist area of Sukhumvit generally was still quite active yesterday but as you can see the Army is very present in the area and blocking access to the trouble zones to the west just beyond the expressway.


On a personal note I got this is a message from my sister Julie this morning after she was talking about me with our other sister Nada.

Hi Gord

I've been thinking of you being amongst it all in Thailand. I saw Nades last week and she said things were not good. Today she sent me your update from your blog so I hope you are actually out of there by now back in Melbourne.

If not I hope it is not long and you are able to travel safely. Apart from your personal safety I expect it will be having a huge impact on your business which will add to your concerns.

We are thinking of you and hope you remain safe.

Take care

love Jules x and a big O

Thanks to everyone who has sent their concerns. Needless to say everyone here including me is being sensible. It is not our issue so no need to be a hero.

It is of course very serious but to keep it light hearted here is my rely to her.

Thanks Jules,

I am still here but on a flight out on Thursday. I am ok and staying indoors. I have some supplies of G&T plus a some bottles of red left, which guarantees to bring in some company for me. It is also quite nice working around the pool it in between dips. 

Business is actually quite badly affected now and I have not been to our office for nearly a month in the centre of the troubles. 

I did have someone this morning book a meeting this week to fly in to close a deal we have pending. I told him it will have to wait as it is too risky moving around the city.

In the meantime I am keeping the blog updated with news as it breaks.


Thanks for thinking of me.



Saturday, May 15, 2010

Being on the spot in Bangkok is not a good scene.

Bangkok 9PM May 15 2010
I published an update about the situation in Bangkok today on www.PerformanceController.com But as many don't get that I am posting it again here. For those who have friends in Bangkok I will keep that one updated in the comments section as events unfold which you can check.  Others watching the crisis in Bangkok can also post any news updates there too.

Since then at At 5:35 today Saturday, from my apartment in Sukhumvit, I heard what sounded like a bomb explode. Minutes later local news reports said it was an M79 grenade fired at a police flat in the Lumpini area. It injured three women and a policeman. It was roported the grenade landed on the fourth floor of the flat building.


Sukhumi Road between Soi 1 thru 19 and Asoke when I went out for dinner about 7PM had soldiers and heavy army equipment highly present and the access passage under the freeway from Sukhumvit to Ploenchit Road, going west was completely blocked off. The skytrain which closed at 4PM had army personnel at entrances. I presume this is to limit unauthorised entry and the potential for lofty access for people who may do something to cause harm to others.

What someone said looked like razor wire has also been dumped on the central medium strip near Sukhumvit 7 clearly in readiness to limit trouble if needed. It was quite unsettling there and with tensions mounting.

I am now inside for a quite night at home and what seem a very good choice.

Bangkok 2PM May 15 2010
This week  when I returned to imageBangkok the scene is far from good.  While I was at a business dinner last night in the peace of the famous Encota Italian restaurant, violence was erupting just nearby in the city for the second day running.
This morning when I awoke 16 more people are dead including some foreigners with scores more injured as the government tries to end the two month long protest rallies.
Heading along the 2 Km stretch from my home in Sukhumvit to our Bangkok office in Central World in Chilton is not an option as it stands in epicenter of the troubles. On that stretch all business there is now closed.
All around the city in the last few days I have seem army and flak jacketed police which tells the tail of the tensions here. To visit one of our clients in the east of the city means I have to go past the Prime Ministers home which since the trouble began has been heavily guarded.

Following last nights violence as I went for some breakfast nearby this morning, I was most disturbed at hearing a motor bike rider say he had just seen three people lying dead on the road near the rally zone. He said  they been left unattended because no-one wanted to risk their life to remove the bodies.
As an insight to the perspective of some who is involved in the troubles, sadly this morning I read a former senator and secretary of a children foundation, Wallop Tangkhananurak, called on leaders to immediately evacuate children and aged people from Rajprasong rally zone. Wallop said about 70 per of the demonstrators are children and aged people.

And this morning Silom Road, which is always bustling, became deserted. It has just been reported that only a few 7-Eleven shops are remaining open. At 10:30 am , troops used orange plastic roadblocks to set up several layers of barricades to seal off the area.

The escalating gravity was lifted on Thursday when Seh Daeng, who is one of the protest leaders was shot. He remains in critical condition after being shot in the head while engaged in an interview with foreign press.  This and ongoing events is reported to be fueling calls by protest leaders for people in some provinces to come to Bangkok to bolster the protesters.

I just heard report of two explosions being heard in front of the Ua-Chuliang Building near the Saladeng Intersection  (11:40 am Saturday.) The sound of gunfire followed the explosions.
The major area of troubled activity is in the clusters around the Rajprasong intersection as shown on this map.

Needleless to say, it is not a safe scene to be in the streets near the troubles so the advice is to keep a safe distance and don't venture far. I intend doing just that until I leave for Australia next week.



Following May 15, 2010 chronology published in the Nation earlier this morning shows events of a military operation to close in on the red shirts' protest site.

12.12pm: Five thousand troops start blockading Suan Lum Night Bazaar and fire tear gas. Gunshots are heard shortly afterwards.
12.15pm: Soldiers fire tear gas to reclaim the area near Suan Lum Night Bazaar that was occupied by the red shirts on Thursday night. Protesters try to besiege the troops inside the night market, and smoke is spotted coming out from inside Lumpini Park.
12.30pm: The Bangkok Metropolitan Administration rejects police request for city officials to drag away a police truck set ablaze by protesters at Sala Daeng intersection, saying its officials would be under threat from the gunfire exchange.
1pm: Protesters burn car tyres opposite the Lumpini Boxing Stadium, about 100 metres from the Thai-Belgian Bridge. Sporadic gunfire is heard. A clash between security forces and protesters kills one man and injures 20 others, three of whom are journalists.
1.30pm: Protesters outside the boxing stadium attack security forces with slingshots and petrol bombs, while soldiers respond by firing several rounds in the air, followed by teargas and rubber bullets. Twenty protesters are arrested.
1.50pm: Protest leader Jatuporn Promphan announces on stage that the situation could lead to civil war.
2.30pm: Colonel Sansern Kaewkamnerd, spokesman of the Centre for the Resolution of the Emergency Situation, tells the press that government forces have secured the area around the Thai-Belgian Bridge and set up road barricades on Wireless Road.
3pm: Reinforcements of troops are sent to guard Government House.
3.20pm: Troops and red shirts clash at Rajprarop intersection and there is noise of gunshots. Protesters retreat to the Pratunam intersection.
4.20pm: Red-shirt leader Natthawut Saikua calls on the government to order troop withdrawal and rescind the emergency decree.
4.25pm: Residents of Rajprarop Soi 4 and Soi 6 try to boo away red-shirt protesters, who are armed with petrol bombs and looking to confront soldiers.
4.30pm: Ruam Katanyu Foundation worker Sarayut Amphan is accidentally shot in the arm during a clash in Soi Ngam Duphli.
4.50pm: Protesters throw burning tyres from the Sala Daeng overpass at soldiers waiting at the foot of the bridge. Noise of gunshots and firecrackers is heard from the protesters' side, while soldiers fire into the air periodically.
5pm: There is a confrontation between both sides near Dusit Thani Hotel and the Thai-Belgian overpass. Burning tyres cover the area with smoke.
6pm: Two grenades, believed to have been launched using an M-79 grenade launcher, explode in Soi Sala Daeng and in front of the Dusit Thani Hotel. There are no reports of injuries.
6.20pm: Explosion is heard at the red-shirts' stage on Rajprasong intersection, as speakers jump down and tell protesters to duck. No injuries or deaths are reported and the cause of the explosion remains unknown.
6.40pm: An armoured vehicle moves into Sala Daeng intersection from Wireless Road. Protesters throw bottles, petrol bombs and lit firecrackers at troops.

4 cans of worms



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

  1. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
  2. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
  3. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
  4. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol

- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke
- Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup
- Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

Friday, May 14, 2010

Find The Error



Find the error, its impossible

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Got lucky

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night, and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try a little reverse psychology.When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a back rub.

"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?"

"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

Yale Education

image The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your financial education?" he asks.

"Yale," replies the lad. The manager is sure he has misheard the man, so he asks his question again and the man again responds "Yale".

That can't be right thinks the manager. He decides he's going to check it out online.

"And what's your full name again?" asks the manager.

"Yim Yohnston".

To wish impossible things...

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's'.
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'.
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'.

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line'.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Irony is not always obvious when you first do or say smoothing but when its captured on an image it becomes very clear.

Here is a collection and some are just wry while and others very funny too. The photographer who took these clearly had a great sense of humour too.









Monday, May 10, 2010

Making it stiff!!


To make it Stand, you Wet it!

To make it Wet, you Suck it!

To make it Stiff, you Lick it!

To Get It In, you Push it!


Threading a Needle is a Bitch

when you're AN OLD FART

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars ($1.40), 5 for buses (about $7)..

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied  that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ....... and no one even knows his name.

I am not sure I believe this now as there are so many variations of this story that have been about for years. But don't let that stop you telling it like it is. It is a great yarn and a one up on bureaucracy!

Saturday, May 8, 2010



His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. 

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?' asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . You're

NOT my flight instructor?'


Special note to David K

"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Watching the watches

image A man is sitting at a bar in  and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's so special about it?"

The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies,

"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says,

"Damn thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"



( An oldie but still a goodie)

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and  Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and  Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?



First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Gas passing and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0

(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck!
Tech Support