"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Paul sings Nessun Dorma high quality video/sound


I bet you didn't expect that either.

I note that at the time of saving this (although I have seen many times before now ) there are 52307 commnets on the google site.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA#
View all 52,305 comments which are still increasing at expotentioal rate even after a year since this ws recorded in 2007

What is amazing too is it has actally gone up by 3 as I typed this.


Britain's Got Talent - Michael Jackson



"I can do that"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Randy Pausch Lecture: Time Management



Full of nuggets

How men talk to women

The same the world over eh?

Lost wife story No 2

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked....

"I have lost my wife in the super market.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

The beatiful woman looks bemused say "Why?

Man : "because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of no-where?

The Lost Wife

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings Hardware when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

'Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.' The young guy says,

'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old guy says, 'Doesn't matter – let's look for yours.'

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Age test

Five mischievous Grandmas were on a bench outside a nursing home.

A Grandpa walked by, and one yelled out ,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.

'The old man said, 'No way, you old fools.

'One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Drop your pants and underwear and we will know exactly.

'Embarrassed , but anxious to prove they couldn't, he dropped them.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times.
The jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 91 years old!'

Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked,
'How in the world did you guess?'

Grinning from ear to ear, the old ladies giggled in unison --
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2.'Can you hear me NOW?'

3 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

4. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

5. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

6. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

7. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

8. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

9. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all..

10. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Dark in here

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in therealready.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.'Boy:

'I have a baseball.'Man: 'That's nice' Boy:

'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.'Boy:

'My Dad's outside.'Man: 'OK, how much?

'Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.

' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.

'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

'How much?' Boy: '$ 750'Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends likethat...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in theconfessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.

'The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

Britain's Got Talent - Michael Jackson



Pump up the volume and enjoy this youtube link:

Denise

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into adeep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes upand sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks thedoctor about her baby.The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. Thebabies are fine; However, they were poorly at birth and had to bechristened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brotherhe's a fecking clueless idiot... Expecting the worst, she asks thedoctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'
' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about my brother',she thought....'I really like DeniseThen she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Monday, June 2, 2008

Best (clean) joke so far this year

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, ' Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old.
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian, I`m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together,' the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny)