"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Smug Men

In the hospital the relatives gathered, where a family member lay gravely ill. as the doctor came in looking sombre.

As he surveyed the worried faces he said. he said I’m afraid 'the only hope for your loved one now is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but I am afraid you will still have to pay for the BRAIN.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, $50,000 for a male brain; $2000 for a female brain.' and at that point it turned awkward.

Some of the men tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. Finally a man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained, 'It's standard pricing. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

if that doesn’t make you laugh then try this …

THE DIGITAL STORY OF THE NATIVITY

Hi Woody,Not sure if your seen this one .It might be good for your web site. I was rolling around the floor laughing when I saw it first time. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Regards Barry.

Your right Baz. So have 7 million others. Yes I put it on the jokes blog

Weather warning - 2 feet of snow.

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah Chorus - Must See

At noon on Nov 13th 2010 unsuspecting shoppers at this food hall got a surprise while eating lunch.

This YouTube video published by Alphabet Photography (you never head of them eh?) has been viewed over 27 million times at the time this posting  (well they have now!!)

Hallelujah Chorus

Thursday, December 23, 2010

White Christmas Special

clip_image001Bob Spooner sent me this last year but it was a bit late so I saved it till now.

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You’re gonnna love it !!!

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Make Sure Sound is on:....and enjoy!

Click here for Santa and his Reindeer

http://www.aroundmd.com/whitechristmas/

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Amazing Gladys saves the day!

Video: Mid-Air Repair..

Classic Mid-Air Repair..video of Gladys Ingle of the 13 Black Cats 

And turn you sound up….the accompanying music is brilliant.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Can I have my Beer Opened please?

Makes someone's XMAS and send the this or better, join them up to Humour for all Occasions

Makes someone's XMAS and send the this or better, Join them up to Humour for all Occasions  www.HFOA.Blogspot.com

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Didn’t she do well too ?

The Project of the Day at the Home for the Aged was,

“Try to create something from memory”.  
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Even I have trouble remembering mine these days.

Park and Stay!!

imageI pulled into the crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my dog had fresh air.

To impress upon her that she must not leave the car. I walked to the curb backwards, pointing my finger at her in the car saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

A pretty young blond lady walking nearby, gave me a strange look and said,  "Why don't you just put it in Park?"

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Frozen Crabs & a Blonde Stewardess

imageA lawyer boarded an plane with a box of frozen crabs and handed them to a blonde stewardess and asked her to take care of them in the crew's refrigerator.

As she took them he added he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing, she then announce, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs please raise your hand?" 

Needles to say not one hand went up ... so she took them home.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

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Monday, December 13, 2010

For all you Poms this is one for your Aussie mates

imagein London a lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help?

"Yes" she said, "I’d like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking  along the footpath in the park near the trees when a  man jumped out of the bushes  and dragged me in there, removed my underwear  then he dropped his pants to his  knees and had his way with  me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers,  a white shirt and he had these two  big long pads from his  feet up to and over his knees, one on each  leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very bservant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long".

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

In a conversation a Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!image
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
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Friday, December 10, 2010

Looks like a butterfly but has a sting like a Bee

clip_image001A young woman had been taking golf lessons.She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee,' she said.

'Where,' he asked.

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.
“Hmm!!!” He nodded knowingly, adding 'Your stance is too wide.'

 

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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

New Cock or Old Cock I thought I’d Seen it all ..

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. 
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

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THE OLD FARMER SAID, 
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." 
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.   "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER." 

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

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THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER

UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. 
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. 
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE. 
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." 
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE? 
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED. 
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" 
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, 
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!" clip_image003

Monday, December 6, 2010

A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

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A little girl raises her hand.. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
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"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

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'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

What is a calorie?

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Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Thanksgiving Cheer

There is along queue to board the plane in Kuala Lumpa so I just have time to post this joke I got from Maz

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

THE QUEEN'S RIDDLE

imageBarack Obama met with the Queen of England .  He asked her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? 

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, "But how do I know the people are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of her tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,  Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same
question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.  Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Biden went to his advisors and asked every one, but none knew. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"  Then, he went back to Obama.
"Say,  I did some research and the answer is. It’s Colin Powell!"

Obama got up and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot!  It's Tony Blair!"

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not...




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South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley , which produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot
Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people make to the toilet during the night. The new wine will be marketed as


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PINO MORE

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I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!

I just couldn't help it!
 

Monday, November 29, 2010

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Photo on the Night Stand

imageAfter a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'  

New Procedure to Test for Prostate Cancer

imageAn old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

 
The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great".
Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.  The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

PS I love this job..I get to find all the suitable the pictures for the jokes you send in…Ed

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Police ticket issue video comment recordings

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The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country.

Count down to #1...


#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."\

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.............AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Extraordinary scenes of the Cheetah brothers

Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara in October last year, said he was astounded by what he saw:

"These three cheetah brothers have been living together since they left their mother at about 18 months old,' he said. 'On the morning we saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly but stopping sometimes to play together.

'At one point, they met a group of Impala who ran away. But one young Impala was not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily'".

These extraordinary scenes followed.

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Winner of the Work & Life / Diversity Initiative Award -  EEO Trust Work & Life Awards 2009 and New Zealand Recreation Association Outstanding Park Award  Barry Curtis Park

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

CELIBACY

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a IT can be imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

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He addressed the men,

'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Ray leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, 'It's self- raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Ray's life of celibacy

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Good Question Son

imageA young Arab asks his father: What is this weird hat we are wearing ?


It's a "chechia" in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

It's a "djbellah" in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

The’re  "babouches", to keeps from burning our feet in the desert !

Tell me, papa..Why now we living in Melbourne are we still wearing all this shit ?

A Viagra moment

BLESS GRANDMA & GRANDPA..........
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Grandma and Grandpa
were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa,

'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa.

'The HUNDRED is from GRANDMA!!!!!!!!'

   BLESS THEM!!!!!!!

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Do you want the bad news first?

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

Friday, November 19, 2010

Lips That Touch Liquor Shall Not Touch Ours

If you had been around in 1919 and came upon the following poster I mean, seriously ... wouldn't you just keep drinking?

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Female Wish List thru the Ages

What I want in a Man…Original List: age 20

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 32)  

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4.  Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 42)

1.  Not too ugly

2.  Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3.  Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4.  Nods head when I'm talking

5.  Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6.  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7.  Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9.  Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1.  Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2.  Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3.  Can tow a Caravan

4.  Can cook a BBQ

5.  Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6.  Appreciates a good TV dinner

7.  Helps with the housework

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 62)

1.  Doesn't scare small children

2.  Remembers where I have put things

3.  Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road

4.  Only snores lightly when asleep

5.  Remembers why he's laughing

6.  Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7.  Usually wears some clothes

8.  Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles

9.  Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Stops trying to tell jokes

What I want in a Man…Revised List (age 72)

1.   Breathing.

2.   Doesn't miss the toilet.

3.   Remembers where we both live.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Island Castaway Irishman rescued

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An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a  speck on the horizon. He  thought, "It's certainly not a  ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.  Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

To the stunned Irishman and said, "How long has is it since you had a good cigar?" "Ten years,"  replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she unzipped a waterproof pocket in her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He  took it and slowly lit up, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," he said , "I'd almost forgotten how  great a smoke can be!" 

"An how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey ?" asked the blonde.  Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." She then reached to her right sleeve, unzipped another pocket and pulled out flask. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!" 

At  this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,

"And how long has it been since you played around?"  With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,  "It's been so long ... don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there , too!"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

WINTER IS COMING (I'm concerned about you)

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The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. 

It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.
Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

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