The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing village. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. 

What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Blond Man Jokes

It seems tables have turned with blonde MAN jokes here now .

A blonde in the bathroom hears his wife call out: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."  The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he swerves to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over. He tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks."Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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(This one actually makes sense.)  An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." 
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." 

(hmm I wonder if some of these men were Irish before they became blond)

Unpaid Blonde Bills

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.  

Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.   He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't, like, paid for them.

OMG!     Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like automatically stupid.    So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year.    

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.    

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.     I bet he felt like an idiot.

~000~

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

^ Degrees of Blond

This blond joke sent to me by my dear blond friend is to welcome back a mate who just got back into the stirrups after a heart attack. (I know some people will do anything for a day off, but try as they did they could not prove malingering.)

Here you go!

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
And then and hung up grumpily after she said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' .
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,. -:*?`?*:-..,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment Unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him In the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
She is overcome with grief.She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 'Is it mine?'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-: *?`?*

SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps..
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,-:*?`?*:-...,_,.-: *?`?*

Blonde Time Again

A girl visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, asked what their names were.

The blonde responded, saying one was named Rolex and one was named Timex..

Her friend said, “I never heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 

'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

The blonde and the cow

A  blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory  cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out  to check on the cows, the  stockman says  to Amy, 'The  insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our  cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above  where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him  where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The  stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while,  the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on  the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the  nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' 

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead  blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;  how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be  bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail  that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. 
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what,  pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to  walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I  guess it's to hang your pants  on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.) 

The Blonde and the Cow

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy,  

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when

Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is  sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes  are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband  that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she  decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the  house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work,  she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home  at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell  of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife  lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is  wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He  goes over and asks
her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks  what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to  him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it  by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a  parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading  the directions on the paint can and  it
said...
(You'll love this...)
"FOR BEST RESULTS,  PUT ON TWO COATS

On a bus

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Tina (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb

so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office

and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker Tina (the blonde) followed me,

the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna lovethis....)

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMYCLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS; I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

 

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS  ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO 

Finding a Lost Wife on Valentines day

A man out shopping with his wife on Valentines day approaches a young blond woman in a shop.

He says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?

The blond says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue, but whenever I talk to a woman with great breasts like yours she appears out of nowhere!

Happy Valentine Day

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!  And Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!

Missing the Point for Heavens Sake

Once there were two brothers. One brother was mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Neighbors Dog

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says,  "The dog is still barking,

What have you been doing?" The blonde says,

"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Frozen Crabs & a Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an plane with a box of frozen crabs and handed them to a blonde stewardess and asked her to take care of them in the crew's refrigerator.

As she took them he added he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing, she then announce, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs please raise your hand?" 

Needles to say not one hand went up ... so she took them home.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

Why do Newfie blondes have more fun?

 Here is something I can understand too!
An American tourist asks a local Newfoundlander: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
Newfoundlander replies:"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat"
The answer is because they are so much smarter than the average American tourist

Longest password...

During a recent password audit at work, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby

The body builder takes off his shirt And the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!' He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!' The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.' He then removes his underwear and The blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes Back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why She ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite  After I saw how short the fuse was!'