"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Where does the time go?

'Remember yesterday and dream about tomorrow,but you better live for today' How quickly the years pass
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When it ok to use the F word

Some of these you may have seen before before but they are worth looking again in this context.

Ok Man!!!!

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Devoted husband

This is for women out there who think all men are heartless ...clip_image001

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

image A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo,

He needed a haircut so he asked the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purpose.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot and fifteen seconds later his hands were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and , stuck his manhood into the opening. The guy then let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman gingerly withdraw his tender unit which now had a button sewn on the end.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Amazing Hubble Telescope: Ultra Deep Field in 3D

What happens when you point the Hubble Space Telescope to a seemingly blank patch of sky? A view that takes you to the edge of the universe!
Here is what happened when professional  astronomers pointed the Hubble Space Telescope at absolutely nothing and left  it there, first for 10 days, and then for 11 days.  Then they made the  images into a 3-D presentation.  Hang on to your seat!
By the way, 13 billion light years are about  equal to 880,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (880 sextillion)  miles.

RULES FOR ONLINE D@TING !!!

Rule #1 Always ask for a photo.
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Rule # 2  Always ask for more than one photo.
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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Email Auto Reply Message

For the next 7 days I won't be to responding to my e-mails.
A friend is painting the ceilings in my house.  SEE BELOW

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I was asked to hold the ladder and you know me. I'm always there to help. Also, do you really think five coats is enough?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

SNEEZING

image A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

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Friday, September 24, 2010

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY

It is reported this actually took place in Charlotte North Carolina...

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with it.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA 

I have [never] seen a Willy Pepper before

These are actual peppers from a garden. They are called 'Willy Peppers'.

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“By the way, the farmer i got them from says they can grow up to 18" long!  Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?”  … Maz

Our regulars may have seen these before but for the rest of us with Alzheimer’s its some new fun. Hey Maz I can also see you enjoying it by the way you are holding them so delicately.  cheers Ed.

http://hfao.blogspot.com/2009/02/glories-of-gardening.html

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit

inside!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Paddy and his Ferguson

image image Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door and Mick is doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of  his red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick?' asks Paddy

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department

And the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

That’s why I call him Honey

clip_image001An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.


The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Great Meeting place at Crazy Hot Bangkok

I make apologies for this plug for my mate John Lincoln, a cheeky New Zealander, who makes people relax and have a good laugh at CrazyHotBar in Bangkok  He also runs a great 9 ball pool league game that is a load of fun to play in too.

When in Bangkok check it out. Believe me everyone else does.

Why Crazy Hot bar you may ask?  Well folklore has it, when they opened in 2004, Su his wife told him he was crazy and he said she was hot.

That settled the name which is now a great place to be to relax for an hour or two. It is also  stacked with sports TV’s for the sport of your choice from feeds NZ UK Aus US and everywhere.

He has a new 50 inch one that he hopes to have up for the Aussie Rules Grand final next week

You find John & Su easily right downtown in Sukhumvut 7/1.

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http://www.crazyhotbar.com/index.php/locate/

You can also check back copies of Humour for all Occasions jokes you may have missed too at http://www.crazyhotbar.com/index.php/jokes/

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Why do Newfie blondes have more fun?

image Here is something I can understand too!
An American tourist asks a local Newfoundlander: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
Newfoundlander replies:"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat"
The answer is because they are so much smarter than the average American tourist

The 200 Yard Gong Shot

Video Challenge to: Can David Howell, Paul McGinley, Marcel Siem or Rhys Davies to skim a golf ball 200 yards across a lake and hit a 9 inch gong?
hmm I can do that!!!
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Click picture to see it actually done on the video.
Thanks to Trevor Williams for the clip. Yes mate it does remind me of Scotland.