"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Female Dentist

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.  "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.

"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.

"What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

Friday, June 28, 2013

God on Lawn Care

GOD:     Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.

Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
    It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
    Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

  ST. FRANCIS:
    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
    The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

  ST. FRANCIS:
    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
    They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS:
    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
    They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
    Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
    Yes, Sir.

GOD:
    These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
    No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

  GOD:
    And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
    Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE:
    'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Hotel Brochure from Beijing Hotel

Hi Gordon

I just got back from Beijing The hotel gave me this brochure. It is precious. I will re-read it whenever I feel depressed. Obviously, it has been translated, word for word from Mandarin

Thought you might like it too

cheers Trish

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:

This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Politically Correct

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"


Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Fireman Sex

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A FIREMAN came home one day and told his wife of the wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put our jackets on,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go.  clip_image002

 

 

How about this for an idea. From now on when I say BELL 1: I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2: I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3: we are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled

BELL 1! The wife promptly took all her clothes off. clip_image003When he yelled BELL 2! the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled BELL 3! they began making love.

  After a few minutes the wife yelled BELL 4!
What the hell is BELL 4 asked the husband clip_image004

 

 

ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she replied
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!

clip_image005

   

__,_._,___

Friday, June 21, 2013

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Grocery Store Opera

Grocery Store Opera

Seems like these are a new trend in impromptu entertainment.

Who said they don't like Opera?


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Will You Live to See 90?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he  said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 81).
A little concerned about that comment, I  couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said  that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?  'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the  hell do you want to live to 90?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

One Up-Man-Slip

Woman:
Do you drink beer ??
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day ??
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer ??
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !!)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking ??
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct ??
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct ??
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ??
Man:
Do you drink beer ??
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari ??

Friday, June 14, 2013

Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a job as a sales rep. for a
large firm. He has the best education, reputation and experience.

The HR officer said, 'Normally, we'd hire you in a heartbeat, but sales is a
highly visible occupation and your constant winking problem might upset
customers. I'm sorry but we can't hire you.

'But wait,' said the man. 'If I take two aspirins, my winking stops.
Here, let me show you.' So he reached into his pockets for aspirins, and
different packages of condoms fell out all over the desk and floor. Finally
he found the aspirin, took two, and stopped winking.

'That's amazing,' said the HR officer. 'However, this is a reputable
company and we can't hire someone who is into womanizing as much as you
appear to be.'

Astounded, the man said, 'Womanizing? What do you mean?
I'm a happily married man!' 'Well then,' asked the HR officer, 'how do you
explain all these condoms?' 'Oh, that,' he sighed.

'Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking, and asked for aspirins?'

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Speeding ticket - - - Priceless

clip_image001

Mistaken Identity

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, "Hello."

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place her. So he asks, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think that you're the father of one of my kids."

His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

He asks, "Are you the stripper at the bachelor party I made love on the pool table, while all of my buddies were watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Monday, June 10, 2013

Human Clock

image

This clever human clock which actually works, to give you correct time.

Click on the Pic or Link and take a look, One click on the live clock anywhere and it changes from Digital to Analog format or vice versa.

http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Ironies of Life

The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.

The Doctor hopes you fall ill.

The Police HOPE you become a criminal.

The coffin maker wants you dead.

Only A THIEF wishes you prosperity in life!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Scottish Cows Born and Bred

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.So, they brought the cow over from Scotland , it was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away, No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to seek advice from the Vet. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side.

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering a while, he asked, "Did you by chance purchase this cow from Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that.

"You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland?"
The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Dublin Doctor’s Proxy

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his  assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was  your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put some drops in her eyes."

Two Nuns in Translyvania


Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the
hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fu*k off the car you little shit!"

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Proofreading is a Dying Art (actually, it’s a DEAD art!)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

The Editorial Room was and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! 

Here are more that may amuse you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
       Really?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
      That's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
       What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
       Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
       See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
      Yes tt might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
     Duh!!!!  Well said!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
      Amazing ...who needs Einstein ?!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
      They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
     He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
     Weren't the last lot fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
      That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
       Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
     Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
       ***************************************************

No wonder the iceberg won...

No wonder the iceberg won...THE TITANIC… We all think of the Titanic as having been a BIG ocean liner. Well, until now. Size comparison -- Titanic versus Allure of the Seas Cruise Ship 
clip_image001



Not that big, was it?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

House work

clip_image001

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. 

Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Dick had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.'


The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dick even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that............. Dick was too tired.'

God is good
clip_image002

Monday, June 3, 2013

Amazing MRI Technology–For everyone. but for the eyes of our Daughter I’sha too.

Human conception to birth video uses MRI technology that won its inventors a Nobel Prize image

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=fKyljukBE70 <http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=fKyljukBE70

Thanks Maz, I saved it for a special occasion since May 2012. & Happy Birthday Kate( II’sha)

Landfill harmonic

Here is wonderful lesson to surprise and amaze us as to what people are capable of  doing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=UJrSUHK9Luwimage

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Two Fwench Pawatwoopers

Two Fwench paratwoopers were seconded to the British SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre .. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform one and a 'alf metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp one and a 'alf metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform three metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp three metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty five metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jump?"

"Jus' a leetle, at ze beginning."