"Humour for all Occasions" is about friends sharing stories. Please enjoy & get more on "Learning About Business" at Performance Controller.com.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Life after Facebook

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

So every day, I go along the street and tell passersby what I have eaten,
how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after;
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

AND IT WORKS! … I already have 3 people following me:  2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Cyber Mating

Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Importance of Drinking Water in Old Age


Interview with Hattie May McDonald on her secret to reaching the age of 101 years.

Reporter: “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101”

Hattie:  “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. For low blood pressure I drink scotch And if I have a cold, I drink schnapps”.

Reporter:: “When do you drink water?

Hattie: “I have never been that sick”




Thursday, June 11, 2015

Accident At the Marina

While strolling around the Marina this morning at about 7 am, I noticed a character shouting "Death to all infidels" then suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded so I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.


A hand grenade can go off in 4-5 seconds.

Ever hear the saying "throws like a girl"?

Not sure the Indian Prime Minster could say that after his gratuitous gaffe when he said. “I am happy that Bangladesh Prime Minister, despite being a woman, has declared zero tolerance for terrorism.

But it seems US marines are not constrained by #DespiteBeingAWoman political incorrectness.  In the (new) Marine Corps (with women in combat), this is what GRENADE TRAINING 101 looks like....filmed on location at Camp Pendelton, CA







watch the live link here.  http://i.imgur.com/t3CF25z.gif

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those nit-pickers who argue the meaning of words, is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls?  Both are common use terms,  but do you really know the difference?  If not, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”’

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the Balls to slap your wife on the butt and say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking however, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Irish Bottom

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor,  it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.  So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a  look.

'Incredible 'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged here.'  Tentatively  he eases the twenty out but then a £10 note appears.clip_image002

'clip_image004This  is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the  patient.The doctor pulls out the tenner and another  twenty appears, and another and another and another, and so it goes on.....


Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just  out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' 

clip_image010The  Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd  be roit,'' says the Irishman, I    knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'