Tuesday, September 30, 2014
They walked out onto the steps of the Church, after a delightful wedding ceremony,with a hundred friends now gathered around.
Following a tradition, the Bride and Groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder each holding a beautiful white Dove.
Everyone is eager, as the Photographer gives the signal to open their hands together and release the Doves toward the sky.
The camera flashes .... and the moment is captured for eternity!!
This symbol of eternal love brings tears to the faces of everyone present!
Costs: Wedding Gown $5,500. Photographer $2,000. Vintage Rolls Rent $1,000.
Having 'the twins' pop out and say 'CHEESE' in front of family and friends .. PRICELESS!!
Monday, September 29, 2014
On average, a Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.
Speaking of sex, did you hear that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles?
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. As he wanders around, he occasionally stops at the quaint pubs to soak up the local culture.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood of stately residences with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really has to go after all those Guinness’s, so he finds a narrow alley, that is quite private with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings .
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer, I just can't find a public restroom and I really, really have to go."
“Just follow me". says the policeman who leads the American nearby delivery gate just down the alley .
Opening the door the policeman points, "In there Sir ,anywhere you like."
The fellow finds himself in the most beautiful garden with manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
He relieves himself and then goes back through the gate, and see the police officer still there, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
Friday, September 26, 2014
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
1. Strong opinions about queuing. Also, calling it queuing.
2. They are polite to people they hate and insult the people they like.
3. Asking them if they are okay, and they say "yeah, can't complain".
4. They ask you and everyone else in the office how you like your tea, and never ask again as they'll remember it forever.
5. When they say "Cheers" as an expression of gratitude most of the time. Oh and the 'mate' that comes next.
6. They use "quid" instead of pounds.
7. Use of telly instead of TV.
8. Use of the word 'mug' without going on to reference some kind of drink.
9. Make a cup of tea. BUT, in this order: Tea bag in, then milk and finally hot water. If they are British they will squirm.
10. When you catch their eye in public, they'll pretend to be looking for somebody else in every other direction.
11. When I was in London some British folks told me you can spot a Brit because they wear black socks.
12. No matter where they are in the world, if you ask them where they are from, they will tell you the town or county, not the country.
13. Use of the word posh.
14. British people always use the expression "half 8" meaning 8:30.
15. Ask them about the weather. It’s their go-to small talk.
16. They greet people by asking if they're alright. And the answer to "Alright?" is "Alright?"
17. Affectionate hate for the French out of a sense of national obligation.
18. They pronounce "twat" as though it rhymes with ‘hat’ or ‘cat.’
19. They are reserved and think anything done with enthusiasm is "cringey" or "cringeworthy".
20. The two questions they ask to taxi drivers are: "Been busy?" "What time you on till?"
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Last Tuesday President Zuma got off the helicopter in front of The Union Buildings - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The chief security officer snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Limpopo Razorback Hogs.
I got one for our Minister of Education Angie Motshekga, and I got one for our Minister of Police Nathi Mthethwa."
The chief security officer again snapped to attention, saluted and said,
"Excellent swop, sir."
You have to admit regardless of your political persuasion in South Africa ...that is funny! (even Peter Taylor would agree)
Monday, September 22, 2014
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
Sunday, September 21, 2014
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Saturday, September 20, 2014
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The guy runs toward the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the guy brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
Nicky Hager, also at the zoo visiting his family (the simians) has watched the whole event. Hager addresses the guy , 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen in my life.'
The guy replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
Nicky Hager says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'
The guy is embarrassed but replies, 'I'm an SAS grunt just returned from Afghanistan and a National party supporter'
Nicky Hager notes all this down then leaves.
The following morning the guy buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
And that my friends, pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
Ouch .. not a gain !!!!
Ok only one more tomorrow and we are done with “That’s when the Fight started “ Jokes
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
Monday, September 15, 2014
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
"Dust."I said, and I guess I was lucky because she just laughed ...
Then she countered with a hint about what she wanted for anniversary the next day.
"Darling I would like something shiny that goes from 0 to 120 in less than 5 seconds."
So next morning I got up early and went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales.
That’s when the fight started......
Sunday, September 14, 2014
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
Sarcasm: The Highest Form Of Humour
Saturday, September 13, 2014
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect Dear."
Ok let then fight ........ that’s it folks
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
Sarcasm: The Highest Form Of Humour
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Larry Is In The Hospital
Who in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Sandy, his wife asks....
"Where the hell have you been?"
Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, finally, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is in the St Luke's Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233.