The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. 

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" 
"What is your FIRST request???' 
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."  "What is your SECOND request???" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. 

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.  And later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." 
"What is your LAST request ???" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE"

Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice,

Asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my Secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

Eleven Long Minutes

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
After dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Race tips

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Melbourne casino when he met
up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front. In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Sex Education for 17 Year Olds

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

How to tell if a skirt is too short?

Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Yup, that would be it!!!

Obscene Phone Call foiled

Phone rings, Woman answers.

The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, " I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the golf - who shall I say is calling?"

Sons grow up so soon......

A young teenage boy comes home at 7pm,

His dad says "Where were you ?"
"I was with Sarah." He replied.
"What were you doing ?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great."
"Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

LORD, THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER!

Well, this is a new spin on the afterlife! … Dolly married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died of cancer. She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Then Bob was killed in a car accident. Dolly again remarried, and she had 5 more children with John. Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Dolly died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Beware of The Older Woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mum, you still awake?'

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man takes his turn to be served, "Can I have some raisin bread please?" The raisin bread is on the top shelf so the assistant pulls over the ladder and climbs up get it. The man is standing almost directly beneath her so he get an excellent view of her thong as she descends the ladder. As she steps off , he says “On second thoughts can I get two loaves please? She turns and goes back for the second loaf. By now other male customers in the store notice what is going on and in turn begin to requests a loaf. After several trips the assistant begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder she looks down at the forming queue and sees the next customer, an elderly man. Thinking she can save herself another trip, she looks at the elderly man and says, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "but it's quivering a lot.."

BBC Today Program

On the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4 with John Humphries the Broadcaster:
At the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the high cost of entry into Premiership football games – ‘£60 to £100 per game is not uncommon' was the commentary.
An older bloke being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles, (probably at Arsenal or Spurs), to be told, "That will be 10 Quid Mate".   "What!", the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
The chap on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way and a brass band in the Interval, you couldn’t mate!"

John Humphries could be heard in stitches in the background

Does your shower have those Grippy things?

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied , "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter."

One day when setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "Neared a lake, he saw a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home but out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it and went 'bang, bang'."
"Simultaneously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Black Panties

Ann had lost her husband almost four years ago..
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Ann said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did and stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; He was stood in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--

But there was one difference, He was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Girl Lodger and the Tin Bath

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. The woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, and if she wanted to bath, she could use a tin tub in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed so the next Monday after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match,the girl undressed and took her ablutions. The woman sat knitting as she did and was surprised to see the girl didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. When he didn't believe her, so she said: "OK next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a bit early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." The next Monday, as the girl undressed, she asked her, "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never had hair down there. Do you?" "Yes," said the woman, as she pulled up her dress and showed her . When the Husband got home, the wife asked him , "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why are you worried about that ?" she quizzed. "You've seen it often." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

Sex on another beach

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida.

She looked up, and noticed that a man about her age had walked up, placed
his blanket on the sand next to hers, and begun reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
'Hello, sir, how are you today? '

'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.
'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked.

'First time since my wife passed away two years ago,' he replied and
turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it has
been very lonely,' she countered.

'Do you live around here?' she asked.
'Yes, I live over in Sun,' he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted.
'Do you like pussycats? '

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to
hers,tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, the widow gasped and asked the
man,

'How did you know that was what I wanted?'

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz?'

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers one night.
They undress and step into the showers and they realize there is no soap.
Father John says “I have soap room”. Not bothering to dress goes to get it.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back. But halfway down the hall he sees three nuns heading his way, With no place to hide, he just freezes against the wall and like a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once but nothing happens, then twice and three times.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells....
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!

Spaghetti and Meat Balls

For years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided  she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or  his marriage they agree she should get a settlement and go back  to Italy to secretly have the  child. Then he would continue providing for her and the child until it was 18.

But one complex matter remained as to how he would know discretely when the baby was born. The solution they agreed was she would mail a post card with 'Spaghetti' written on the back when the child was  born. He would then arrange for the Child Support to begin.

Eight months later, he came home to his confused  wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card  today.' and handed it to him to read. As he read the card,  he turned white, and then fainted.

On the card was  written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,  Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra  sauce!!!!!