My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
Sarcasm: The Highest Form Of Humour
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
Sarcasm: The Highest Form Of Humour
Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia: Friday
In the Family Court a seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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(David as a Brit I know it gave you great delight to send this to me to share and add to your collection. I can tell you as an Aussie it hurts but we will have our day again; just not this year!!)
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about that?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie. All excited, he decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night? the father asks.
"I was at the library." Robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at Jimmy's house."
"Doing what?" the father asks.
"Watching a movie.....Toy Story." Robot slaps the son.
"OK it was porn!" cries the son.
Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was."
Robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs, "He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mother.
| Most people now-a-days think it improper to discipline children, so, years ago, I tried other methods to control my children, Sarah and Jonathan, when they had one of 'those moments.' As a pilot, I found it very effective if I simply took the offending child for a flight in whatever aircraft I was flying at the time, during which I would say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it was the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, etc., but I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions was an important element in achieving the desired results. As an example, I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, Jonathan, in case you would like to use this technique. It also works well in cars. |
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object.. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4.. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'. Many men still sleep with their wives!!
Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.
This week our family lost our beloved Uncle Jack, aged 90. But this post is not about Jack Wood but about a short move David Brown sent to me. It is a Singapore community service organizations promotion about families, and says it all when it comes to the way we think about our loved ones when they pass away. I defy you not to shed a tear when you watch it.
Thanks David for sending this.
We found a straggly cat at our door. a
We took her to our local vet and for namesake just called her Pussycat. The vet said he should keep her for a day or so and would let us know when we could fetch her.
My husband and our Vet over the years actually never liked each other and I have been the customer. My husband openly calls him 'El-Charge-O' 'El-and the vet privately refers to him as El Cheap-O'/
My husband said, 'OK,and always wary of a large bill had the last word adding sarcastically "Don't forget to wash her, Just remember my wife (me) wantsthe dirty old cat, not me (him).
The next day my husband had an doctor appointment, The MD is is in the same building, next to the vet. The waiting room was full.
just then a side door opened and the vet leaned in having seen my husband arrive. In a very loud voice,he said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. By the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is! '
"You can pick her up when you leave". as he left and closed the door
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help.'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? 
(Priceless!!)
