Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of white-out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tea ready!
Last night I was watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, What would you like for dinner, chicken, beef or lamb? I replied 'Chicken, please.' She then replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy and I named him England..He is mainly black and brown with a small white patch.