'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
The whole damned family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma were singing a song,
And the kid in the bed was flogging his dong.
Ma home from the cat house, and me out of jail,
Had just crawled in bed for a piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flies like a flash,
Threw open the window, and fell on my ass.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a whore house luster to the objects below.
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
Out an old rusty sleigh, and eight mangy reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his dick,
I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails hill coursers they came,
He bitched and he swore and he called them by name.
Dancer, now Prancer, up over those walls,
Quick now damn it, or I'll cut off your balls.
Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all, this is a hell of a night!