So you think you’ve have talent?

Try dinking a glass of wine with all this going on

Signs of the Trades

Sign over a gynecologist Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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   In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber's  truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed." 
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On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 
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On a Church's Bill board: 
"7 days without God makes one weak." 
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At a Tyre Store 
"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate 
action."

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On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right 
place."

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On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence: 
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And don't forget the sign at a 
RADIATOR SHOP: 
"Best place in town to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of yet another 
Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Involuntary Muscle Contraction?

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten
up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you
know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.  So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,  Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.  "Well,"  Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

I bequeath...

A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR AND SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!" SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD!!"