The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.
The Doctor hopes you fall ill.
The Police HOPE you become a criminal.
The coffin maker wants you dead.
Only A THIEF wishes you prosperity in life!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Scottish Cows Born and Bred
| The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.So, they brought the cow over from Scotland , it was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away, No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to seek advice from the Vet. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side. The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering a while, he asked, "Did you by chance purchase this cow from Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that. "You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland |
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Dublin Doctor’s Proxy
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put some drops in her eyes."
Two Nuns in Translyvania
| Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fu*k off the car you little shit!" |
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Proofreading is a Dying Art (actually, it’s a DEAD art!)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
The Editorial Room was and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
Here are more that may amuse you.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
That's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
Yes tt might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Duh!!!! Well said!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Amazing ...who needs Einstein ?!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't the last lot fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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