Who said that? -

You may remember some of these. You may even member some of the people who made these statements. If you do it is time to do your memoirs.

(I always wondered about,Socrates and I love the Churchill one Maz.)

Wisdom in Phrases

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)          

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt           

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain           

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns          

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge          

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain          

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates         

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx       

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante       

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor      

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine     

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield     

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan     

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath   

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope     

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields     

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers    

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill   

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller   

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal    

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And

the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

 

 

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

 

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

 

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

Black Panties

Ann had lost her husband almost four years ago..
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Ann said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did and stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; He was stood in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--

But there was one difference, He was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

Anger Management

A couple, married for 40 years, were out sitting on a park bench watching the world go by and chatting about the secret to their happy marriage. This was part of their conversation.

Man: " Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"
Woman: "I just go and clean the toilet."
Man: "How does that help?"
Woman: "I use your toothbrush."

Sex at 97

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey .

Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr Burns said, "I just take care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it..."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I  have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is usually even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in thirty minutes..."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, "Oh Mr Burns, I am astounded at your repeat performance was even  better than the first time. And at your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex the lady stole my wallet."

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him a vasectomy would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how a firework in a beer can helps my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania & with Collingwood Supporters....