Secret of Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they just can't face each other but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.? Socrates

The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage!' Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,? 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

New Laws? No it’s been in the bible all the time.

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized in Washington State the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

Apparently we have been interpreting it wrong all these years.

What goes around comes around for a Good Nurse

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman
kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon from the nurse in the Landover you booked for speeding last week."

Kind of  brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

Paddy has a dog’s life.

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in their garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

Why Married Couples Don’t Have Sex

Dear Wife,

• During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
  have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
  The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
  54 times the sheets were just cleaned
  17 times it was too late
  49 times you were too tired
  20 times it was too hot
  15 times you pretended to be sleep
  22 times you had a headache
  17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
  16 times you said you were too sore
  12 times it was the wrong time of the month
  19 times you had to get up early
  9 times you said weren't in the mood
  7 times you were sunburned
  6 times you were watching the late show
  5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
  3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
  9 times you said your mother would hear us
  Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
  6 times you just laid there
  8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
  4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
  7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
  1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING...
==============================

Dear Husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your panamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.