Tony Blair and David Cameron

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife,Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr.Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?""I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says..."Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and Storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else,

But his wife is having none of it She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD

THIS COMING FRIDAY.

Provincial Experience

Last night I went to a VIP night at the Sport 22 club and an American woman asked me, 

“Where are you from? 

“Australia”  I replied

“ Wow”, she said. “Your English is perfect.”

(Despite feeling a bit like a “your ok redneck” it was a great the evening.) 

Sniffer

A man settled into his window seat and soon a policeman joined him with a Black Labrador which jumped up into the middle seat

The first man looked quizzically and asked why is the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained the dog was Police Drugs Enforcement Agency  'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you when are airborne, when he goes to work.'

The plane soon took off, and once it levelled the Policeman commanded Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down and slowly moved down the aisle sniffing as he went. Soon he purposefully stopped next to a woman for several seconds and then returned and put one paw on the  policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', 'and turned to man number one and said “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm noting her seat and the authorities can apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search. The Lab sniffed about and sat down beside a man for a few seconds, and then returned to its seat, this time placing two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws means the guys has cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the local police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The third time Policeman told Sniffer to 'search' .the dog followed the same routine but time came racing back to the agent and jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that A  bit miffed he said 'What's going  on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Simple Home Remedies

These really work!! i checked it on Snopes and it's for real! ...amazing, simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape. 

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. 

Some additional advice: never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and sleeping pills on the same night

Short and …. well yes short

- Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird at least I got home OK!!
- The wife's back on the warpath again, she was up for making a home movie last night – All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
- My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my fault. I should have taken them off.
- As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork is already done"
- I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. "Foreplay" she likes to call it.
- After suffering depression, me and my wife decided to commit suicide . But strangely enough once she killed herself I felt a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
- I woke up this morning at 8 and something was wrong. I got downstairs to find my wife on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. Then I remembered Wether-spoons serve breakfast till 11am

What can a man do with three naked women?

NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED, IS IT?

Last Will and Testament

A bloke sitting in his armchair shouts to his wife “When I die I am going to leave everything to you:”

She shouts back, Really, I thought you already do!!”

- 000-

Seems like we’ve heard this before Nade !!!!

A Handy Reference Guide to Keep You out of Trouble

 

The Hormone Guide Women will understand this and men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands!  This handy guide should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker! DANGEROUS SAFER SAFEST ULTRA SAFE What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine. Are you wearing that? You sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my pay check. Here, have some wine.. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine.

Unforgettable password - a senior solution!

My memory really sucks Mildred, so i changed my password to  “incorrect”  That way  when I log in with the wrong password the computer tells me, “Your password in incorrect”

I want one . It beats riding a motor bike in the wet

The Most Economic Car in the World will be on sale next year:

Its a  car that will get you back and forth to work on the  cheap... $600 for the car. 258 miles per  gallon...

Only a one seater however - Talk about cheap  transportation....

It looks like Ford, Chrysler and GM missed the  boat again!

This $600 car is no toy and is  ready to be released in China next year. The  single seater aero car totes VW (Volkswagen)  branding.

Volkswagen did  a lot of very protected testing of this car in  Germany, and announced only now where the  car will make its first  appearance.

The car  was introduced at the VW stockholders meeting as the  most economical car in the world is  presented.

The initial objective of the  prototype was to prove that 1 litre of fuel could  deliver 100 kilos of  travel.

Spartan interior doesn't  sacrifice safety.
The aero  design proved essential to getting the desired  result.
The body is 3.47 meters long and  just 1.25 meters wide, and a little over a meter  high.The prototype was made completely of carbon fibre  and is not painted to save  weight.

The  power plant is a one cylinder diesel, positioned ahead  of the rear axle and combined with an automatic  shift controlled by a knob in the  interior.

Safety was not  compromised as the impact and roll-over protection is  comparable to the GT racing  cars.

From conception to production: 3  years and the company is headquartered in Hamburg ,  Germany ... Will be selling for 4000 Yuan, equivalent  to US $600..
Gas tank capacity = 1.7 gallons 
Speed = 62 – 74.6 Miles/hour
Fuel efficiency = 258  miles/gallon
Distance with a full tank = 404 miles

I went to check the official press releases on this. Hoax and other such words find their way into the web. Then again you never know who is fuelling this.

e.g

On the other hand ere is a earlier prototype on a VW stand in 2009 motor show

Golfers of the world take pride

Stand proud, noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!
Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon!
Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good
bass bait.
 
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in
my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.  I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake ... with
two more frogs.
 
Life is good in the South.

Heavenly Rugby

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike.."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart- Why I’m the Greatest Debate

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

• The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
• The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

 

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How to recognize a gay bar

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Hope this helped !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Low Battery

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY". Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger. …. Give that man a medal!

Aliens in Texas

Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocussed his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never Fuck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

Horseshoes

Out shopping with her husband, a wife spots a pair of boots she loves.

The husband says, "No chance love, they`re way too expensive."

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says,

"I don`t think so mate.

If you`re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren`t riding it. "

Breast Feeding

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

New Politically Correct Aussie Pickup Line

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What?... You Mean I'm small and cute?"

"No.I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"

Almost brings a tear to your eye...........Doesn't it!

 

Authorised by Maz Garnet for the Labour Party – Parliament House Canberra

Trevor’s Tortured Testicular Tale

Aussie humour at its best ..

British Airways Has Talent

Great entertainment with a large corporation laughing at itself.

This commercial alternative is cleverly delivered at a BA party in a hotel in England by two ladies who work for British Airways. At first it seems they’re miming - not so!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp_hzrB_FI4