Spot On Mushrooms

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,

their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called her doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

Humping Symphony – a new Andrew Boyd Web Musical without sound

British Airways Has Talent

Great entertainment with a large corporation laughing at itself.

This commercial alternative is cleverly delivered at a BA party in a hotel in England by two ladies who work for British Airways. At first it seems they’re miming - not so!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp_hzrB_FI4

Boo Sa Bar goes Latin in Bangkok

Not everyone likes their photo taken especially male customers in a Thai bar.  But it is hard to find a bar girl in Thailand that doesn't. And you can see why? They all look good and they really all do enjoy some good harmless fun

Category: Film & Animation
Tags:www.PerformanceController.com (Learning about Business)

So you think you’ve have talent?

Try dinking a glass of wine with all this going on

Einstein Parrot

  This comedian impressionist parrot is even better than Rich Little.

Bring Tommy Cooper back

Due to considerable “gentle reader”demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners. Yes, he was brilliant!!     Wasn’t he. Not a swear word in sight and so funny.    

1 .  Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.'

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too  high.'

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a  muscle.

9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.'

12.  Man says to the 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'  The Doc say s'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  Man says 'Is it common?'  and Doc says Well 'It's not  unusual.'

13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down. ' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.'

15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!

16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh.

17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..'

18. Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are  5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother  Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But  I think it's Colin.

19. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your  round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat  bastard!'

20.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off.

21. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.'

22.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places' The doctor said,  'Well don't go thereanymore'

23.. Ireland 's  worst air disaster occurred early this morning  when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that  number to climb as digging continues into the  night.

The 5ive Hundred Dollar$ Price Barrier!!

This is a great scene from two up and coming talents who deserve credit. I’m tempted to put on my http://www.performanceontroller.com/ blog under the heading, “How to improve your negotiating skills”.

The youtube scene, sees these young and talented actors; Emilie Germain (the masseuse) reluctant to engage with Christopher Green Goodwin (Bill) for additional services.

You will have to watch it to find out how it ends

Ms. Germain also starred in the lead role of “Parallels” a 2009  independent short film. Mr Goodwin is great in Two Please - A short film by Lisa Malazzo.

Very Funny ~ Enjoy.

Motorcycle Ghost

A guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a loudspeaker and a skeleton driving the bike.

He hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up on his motor bike and . . . 

This should give your heart a jump start.  Enjoy!!

BeatlesTube

This is INCREDIBLE!. Every song they ever made?

Yes there is a web site with every song and all the lyrics.

Got to it here or click on the picture>

THEN JUST CLICK ON THE TITLE OF THE SONG YOU WANT TO HEAR AND SEE THE VIDEO-CLIP (ADDITIONALLY, YOU WILL HAVE THE WORDING OF THE SONG AS WELL AS SOME OTHER INFO RELATED TO THAT PARTICULAR SONG. 

Comeuppance

We found a straggly cat at our door. a sorry sight; starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted.

We took her to our local vet and for namesake just called her Pussycat. The vet said he should keep her for a day or so and would let us know when we could fetch her.

My husband and our Vet over the years actually never liked each other and I have been the customer. My husband openly calls him 'El-Charge-O' 'El-and the vet privately refers to him as El Cheap-O'/

My husband said, 'OK,and always wary of a large bill had the last word adding sarcastically "Don't forget to wash her, Just remember my wife (me) wantsthe dirty old cat, not me (him).

The next day my husband had an doctor appointment, The MD is is in the same building, next to the vet. The waiting room was full.

just then a side door opened and the vet leaned in having seen my husband arrive. In a very loud voice,he said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. By the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is! '

"You can pick her up when you leave". as he left and closed the door

The Michael Jackson UK Tour

Michael Jackson announced his dates for his upcoming UK tour.

They are Daniel aged 11, Michael aged 9, Richard aged 12 , Steve aged 8 and Darren aged 12.