Size Does Matter

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

New definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said : 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.' When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing! When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing! We older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S. Slower, Older and Smarter....

IMPORTANT: This notice remains the property of the Department of Defence and is subject to the jurisdiction of section 70 of the Crimes Act 1914. If you have received this email in error, you are requested to contact the sender and delete the email.

One liners

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata.  It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:  "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
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New Style British Humour

Police in London last night found a bomb outside a church  ..They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
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During last night's high winds an British family were badly injured by a falling tree. Mohamed Ashman, a Birmingham City spokesman said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
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Anglo Saxon minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television with minorities in mind. Now Crime-watch will be shown 5 times a week.
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Walking down the road I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I then heard a Pakistani shout , "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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Senior citizens didn’t take the melody out of music!!

With a few exceptions this about says it all. Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world,  real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took: The melody out of music,  The pride out of appearance,  The courtesy out of driving,  The romance out of love,  The commitment out of marriage,  The responsibility out of parenthood,  The togetherness out of the family,  The learning out of education,  The service out of patriotism,  The Golden Rule from rulers,  The nativity scene out of cities,  The civility out of behavior,  The refinement out of language,  The dedication out of employment,  The prudence out of spending,  The ambition out of achievement, God out of government and school.  And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and  tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!! YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!  I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.  I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.  I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.  I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.  I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...  I'm aware other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.  I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care. I'm not really grouchy,  I just don't like traffic, waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.  I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....  I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.  I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen? I wonder, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?  And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?  I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!  Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too! Now- Have I already sent this to you??????? If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.) I love this little fellow.  Have a great week. "Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up"

Candy from a Stranger

REMEMBER  WHEN YOUR
MOTHER TOLD YOU
NEVER TO TAKE  CANDY
FROM  A STRANGER..

THIS  IS THE ONE SHE  WAS TALKING ABOUT!!

Fire-hose rodeo

I added this for today, being Saturday because you need sound and privacy so you don’t have your work mates think you have gone mad laughing at a screen.

The Case of Mistaken identity

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. 

Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at the job queue Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours and at the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...

Who will do the dishes?

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ' for sale ' sign on it. 
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. 
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

' Well, it ' s quite simple, really, ' says the seller, ' whenever the bike is outside and it ' s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. '  And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ' I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. '  ' When we eat dinner, we don ' t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '  
' No problem, ' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. 
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word. 
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. 
Still, nobody says a word. 
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom..

' She ' s got a great body, ' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted.... ' I ' ll do the dishes!!!

NEWS FLASH:

Police today recovered a man's body floating in the Brisbane River.  The man's name is not released as his family has not been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excess beer consumption, combined with a drug overdose.   He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Rudd for PM in 2010 " t-shirt.  He also had a cucumber in his rectum. 

Police removed the Rudd t-shirt to spare his family embarrassment.

Aussie Biker in News

A biker was visiting the zoo in  Brisbane  when he saw a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT -

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

This reporter must work for the "Australian" or the "Age" newspapers.

Lets do Larry Jokes

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry ... 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mum ....'

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in  The parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the Dinner.

However, the politician was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a Television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
Way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and Gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that And I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving People.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation And gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the Politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

 

Bunning’s Story!

Charlie was fitting a new door and found that a hinge missing. He asked his wife Mary to go to Bunning’s and pick up a hinge. While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set. When he finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?" He replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00". Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's so expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The assistant said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the assistant yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunning’s!

New Bank ATM Drive Thru Service

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door for easier access to machine being a distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

I am not sure this will get us any brownie points with our wives Bob?But it may make up for some of the impotent jokes about us guys.

Getting Married

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in   Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

Australian UDI attempt scuttled

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said: “As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband #5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.......... God I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the GOVERNMENT..
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED.

Try this when your 80?

Posted earlier this year, this video is now doing the rounds with potential to head into the millions of views.

 

Breast Implant Warning