Are you living or just awake??

This lovely story is inspiring ..If true it would include a name but consider it is anyway in view of the really great point it makes.

On the first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.  I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, ’Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded; 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day over the ensuing months we would leave class together and talked nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!

I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older.  That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.’ 

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example.

She understood that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be and that we make a living by what we get. but we make a Life by what we give.

Putin Magic

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions,

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says , "I have Four questions" 

Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And

Where is Sasha?"

Are my testicles black?

A hospital patient, with an oxygen mask wakes to find a student nurse giving him a sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

A little taken hack  the young nurse replies, "Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate worrying about his testicles, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and examines his testicles with the other.

There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly, "Thank you, that was wonderful. but  what I was asking was: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

Creative Calendar from a Retirement Home.

‘Growing old’ is mandatory, ‘growing up’ is optional !! And If you haven’t grown up by the time you are FIFTY then you damn well don’t have to !!!

The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany, who follow this maxim produced a calendar where seniors amazingly recreated famous movie scenes.  The  shoot was done with professional stylists and photographers to make sure  everything looked as cool as possible. The technical age of all 19 youthful seniors pictured ranged for youngest being 77 to the oldest at 98 years old.


JANUARY

James  Bond

Wilhelm Buiting, 89


FEBRUARY


Breakfast  at Tiffany’s
Marianne Brunsbach, 86

MARCH

Titanic
Erna Rütt, 86, und Alfred Kelbch, 81

APRIL

Rocky
Erwin J. von der Heiden, 80


MAY

Mary  Poppins
Erna Schenk, 78


JUNE

The  Seven Year Itch
Ingeborg Giolbass, 84, und Erich Endlein, 88

JULY

Blues  Brothers
Margarete Schmidt (r.), 77, und Lothar Wischnewski 76

AUGUST

Cabaret
Martha Bajohr, 77

SEPTEMBER

Giant
Joanna Trachenberg, 81, und Horst Krischat, 78

OCTOBER

Saturday  Night Fever
Irmgard Alt, 79, und Siegfried Gallasch, 87

NOVEMBER

Dirty  Dancing
Johann Liedtke, 92 und Marianne Pape, 79

DECEMBER

Easy  Rider
Walter Loeser, 98 und Kurt Neuhaus, 90

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.< /font>

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,"said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotised.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

“SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited there again

Advice for an older guy at the gym....

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said;

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

If you don't read them all at least read FIRST PLACE

Preamble

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. Here are the Stellas for this past year

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps..
Scratch some more...

 

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
Double hand scratching after this one..

 

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

 

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

 

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.... Oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

FIRST PLACE

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on

Statue in every room

The Italian building a house insisted to his architect that there must be a ring place in every room for ‘is statue. Later during construction he repeated this to the builder who assured him it would be done.

At the final inspection he saw bedside the door of every room, there was a marble base ring with a small Statue of David mounted on it.

“What is it with all the Michael Angelo's, ” asked the Italian

“The architect responded,  “didn't we agree to have a base ring in every room to place a statue on. The base comes with this plaster sample which you can replace with your real ones”

“No-No”, moaned the Italian , “I want a ring place where people say  “hello is-stat-u?”

Mother’s Milk

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room. The doctor called then in and examined the baby. When he checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.

The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.

I Bet you can’t do this without a net

As you may have noticed, we don’t republish many videos as they are already freely on your You Tube collections channel . This is an exception because I think my friends Ineke and Trevor Williams are in it . At least that is was what Ineke told me when Marg and I had dinner with them last night ,, Please enjoy this truly vaudeville item . I did

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please
allow me to help.

I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel' she asked? "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Why You Should Always Carry A Camera