Why Teachers continue to drink heavily

The following questions were in a second chance General Education  Development (GED) examination. The absence of citation does not mean the responses are not genuine .

Q. What is a turbine?

A.... Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed.
A... The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.... If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.... Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs . (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.... When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.... Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A.... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.... Keep it in the cow.(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.... A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.... Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.... Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.... The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A.... A Roman Emperor. � (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.... Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

If you don't read them all at least read FIRST PLACE

Preamble

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. Here are the Stellas for this past year

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps..
Scratch some more...

 

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
Double hand scratching after this one..

 

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

 

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

 

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000.... Oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

FIRST PLACE

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on

Two Fwench Pawatwoopers

Two Fwench paratwoopers were seconded to the British SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre .. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform one and a 'alf metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp one and a 'alf metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform three metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp three metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty five metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jump?"

"Jus' a leetle, at ze beginning."

Jerry’s Irish One liners - It helps if your are British

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

An  assortment of high powered weapons and a stash  of drugs have been found  behind the Job  Centre in Frankston in Australia Locals are in a state of  shock. They had no idea they had a Job  Centre!

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says” that's not true.. sometimes I want a  kebab"

An  assortment of high powered weapons and a stash  of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found  behind the Job  Centre in Frankston.
The locals are said to  be in a state of  shock.

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.He says "I  can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
"Sure, do you have any idea where your  wife is?"
"Not a  clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman  with tits like yours, she  appears out of  nowhere!"

My sexy  Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a  "roger".
It was only when I had my  trousers round my ankles  and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to  rent her spare room out!!

David  Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult  to claim benefits. From next week the forms  will only be printed in  English.

Sky news  report. The  Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand  and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.

Did the Spanish women invent the computer?

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into , male and female, and asked each group to compete to decide whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. with four reasons.
The men's group proposed 'computers” as feminine gender ('la computadora'), because

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, concluded computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

It was an open lay down misère The women won.
('Lay Down Misere' is Australian gambling slang for a "dead cert"; a predicted easy victory)

Name The Song

Look at this picture. and see if you can name the song it depicts.

Remember too that today is Sunday and this is a family blog, so think about some golden oldies.

You'll kick yourself!!........

.

.

.

.

its MOONRIVER

Hey, don't blame me . . . I'm just forwarding this to those whose sense of humor I believe to be as warped as mine . .  you were in that group.

Sheep are not so dumb!!

A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn

British Survey

Swine Flu, what is the difference?

FLU "UPDATE " What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment Now aren't you sorry that I have your e-mail address..?

Comeuppance

We found a straggly cat at our door. a sorry sight; starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted.

We took her to our local vet and for namesake just called her Pussycat. The vet said he should keep her for a day or so and would let us know when we could fetch her.

My husband and our Vet over the years actually never liked each other and I have been the customer. My husband openly calls him 'El-Charge-O' 'El-and the vet privately refers to him as El Cheap-O'/

My husband said, 'OK,and always wary of a large bill had the last word adding sarcastically "Don't forget to wash her, Just remember my wife (me) wantsthe dirty old cat, not me (him).

The next day my husband had an doctor appointment, The MD is is in the same building, next to the vet. The waiting room was full.

just then a side door opened and the vet leaned in having seen my husband arrive. In a very loud voice,he said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. By the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is! '

"You can pick her up when you leave". as he left and closed the door

Oysters

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realize the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said......................................... Wait for it! Wait for it! Wait for it! ************************ OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!