Only An Australian Can Make You Feel Like a Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die, Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared then an Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG ?

An Israeli Sense of Humour at United Nations set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began:

'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

An American tourist in London

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. As he wanders around, he occasionally stops at the quaint pubs to soak up the local culture.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood of stately residences with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He  really has to go after all those Guinness’s, so he finds a narrow alley, that is quite private with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings .

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer, I just can't find a public restroom and I really, really have to go."

“Just follow me". says the policeman who leads the American nearby delivery gate just down the alley  .

Opening the door the policeman points, "In there Sir ,anywhere you like."

The fellow finds himself in the most beautiful garden with  manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

He relieves himself and then goes back through the gate, and see the police officer still there, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

You can't fool a Newfie

Two Businessmen make a deal, a Canadian from Newfoundland (Newfie), and a Jew.

The Newfie goes to the Jewish businessman to buy black bras size 38.

The Jew, known for his business skills, says that black bras are rare and from his suppliers.  Therefore he charges $50.00 for them.

The Newfie mutters  Lord Thunderin' Jesus! and buys 25 bras.

When he returns a few days later and this time orders fifty, the Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each, The Newfie reluctantly pays.

The Newfie businessman returns a month later and buys all the Jew’s remaining stock of 50 bras , this time, paying $75.00 each.

The Jew puzzled by the large demand asks the Canadian,  "Please, tell me what you do with all these black bras?

The Newfie then tell him : ‘I cut dem in half and sells them as skull caps to the Jewish folks back home for $100.00 each.'

Once upon a time there was a Newfie and a Torontonian

A Newfie and a Torontonian entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Torontonian stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Torontonian said to the Newfie:

"Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

Newfie replied: "You want to see something better?  Let's go back and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Newfie said to the shopkeeper:

"Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Ok."

The Newfie said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.   

The Newfie asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "So where's the magic?"

The Newfie replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

Maz,  That is one of your best ever . No-one could never miss you as a Newfie. Torontonian are always fair game especially this week being Stanley Cup playoffs when they get suicidal .

http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/console?hlg=20132014,2,175&lang=en

The truth about pâté de foie gras being in poor taste

Before you complain about the inhumane practice of force feeding geese to harvest their liver as a culinary delicacy, then consider what the poor French have to suffer especially if you believe that French lovers are not fighters. 

If so then you will find these “in poor taste” quotes quite funny. I did..

• Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day – the description was, 'Never shot.  Dropped once.'' 

• 'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'  Alan Kent

• "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."  General George S. Patton

• "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman

• 'France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.  Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

All these unkind quotes are from people who should have better manners. But then again if we can poke fun at the Irish. Poles Aussies, Kiwis Brits, & Newfoundlanders why not the French?

Kabul Kid becomes a Liverpool League Star but lets his Mum down

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young  Afghani play football. He is impressed and arranges for the  player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to  Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani  striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3  goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are  delighted, the players and the  coach are delighted and the media  love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his  mum to tell her about his first day in English football.'Hello  mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,  we were 2  - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we  won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love  me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day  …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed  and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police  vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire  to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great  time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm  really sorry.

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your  bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first  place!'

According to the law

Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia: Friday

In the Family Court a seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

-000-

 

(David as a Brit I know it gave you great delight to send this to me to share and add to your collection. I can tell you as an Aussie it hurts but we will have our day again; just not this year!!)

Scottish Cows Born and Bred

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.So, they brought the cow over from Scotland , it was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away, No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to seek advice from the Vet. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side. The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering a while, he asked, "Did you by chance purchase this cow from Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that. "You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland

Two Fwench Pawatwoopers

Two Fwench paratwoopers were seconded to the British SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre .. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform one and a 'alf metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp one and a 'alf metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform three metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp three metres. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty five metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jump?"

"Jus' a leetle, at ze beginning."

Why is Generation Y

The Silent Generation are people born before 1946. -The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959. -Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979. - Generation Y Are people born between 1980 and 1995. Why do we call the last one generation Y ? A cartoonist explains it eloquently below!

Provincial Experience

Last night I went to a VIP night at the Sport 22 club and an American woman asked me, 

“Where are you from? 

“Australia”  I replied

“ Wow”, she said. “Your English is perfect.”

(Despite feeling a bit like a “your ok redneck” it was a great the evening.) 

Israel’s new Cutting Edge Airport Security

TEL AVIV, Israel The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom! .

Having a quite drink

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?
"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you slanty-eyed prick".

Anti Anti-Racist

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai. "

AN ELDERLY ITALIAN AT CONFESSION

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Naples , Italy ,went to the local church for confession.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did my son, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did,you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,

if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS what is that you ask.

By the time you read through this you will understand"".

And only then will you be ready to take on China !

Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh.... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .......What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

And you do, don't you!

Ethnic Communications Misunderstood

A middle eastern man entered a black cab in London. The cabbie had music playing, but Instead of politely asking for it to be turned off, the man was blunt and justified it on his religious teaching, being he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music.
The cab driver immediately switched off the music, but then stopped the cab and opened the door.
The man asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so you’d be better to wait for a camel"

Ingrish as it is spoken

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India . The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.' Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .' Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.' The manager said, 'Go ahead.' Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.' Mujibar now works at a call centre. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

Roll Call

Attendance call on the first day back at school the teacher began roll call : "Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here." "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here." "Fatima Al Chadoury? ""Here." "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here." "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here." "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" The silence continued as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?" A boy rose shyly ,"Sorry teacher. I think that's me; It's pronounced Michael Meyer