Drink Water and You Could Live Forever

I asked my Doctor “why do I pee more at night, and should I stop drinking water before I hit the sack?”

The first part of your question is easy he said

“When you are upright gravity holds water in the lower part of your body. So when you lie down the body (legs etc.) are level to your kidney which finds it easier to remove water.

The second part of your question is simple too.

“NO don't stop drinking water before bed time . As muscles seek re-hydration  when too much water is removed there is an increased risk of stroke heart attack or even just simple but painful things like leg cramps. A glass of water before bed reduces that risk.  

“Drinking water at other times also maximizes body effectiveness”

A couple of glasses of water after waking up helps activate internal organs

A glass of water before a meal - helps digestion

A glass of water before a bath - helps lower blood pressure”

How trackers use geo tags in your photo upload from you phone

Are your Kids safe from predators when you snap a pic on your phone ?

According to this NBC news item, not so. 

Tongue Indicator for STROKE IDENTIFICATION

Blood Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth Indicator,  Neurologists say if they can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours they can totally reverse the effects of a stroke.... During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and fell – Embarrassed she recovered and assured everyone that she was fine and had just tripped because of her new shoes. They got her a new plate of food and she went on enjoying herself for the rest of the meal before she left with her husband. Her husband called later to say that his wife had been taken to the hospital and had died. She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. If someone had recognized the symptoms and called for help she may have been fine today .... RECOGNIZING A STROKE One simple test of a stroke is to ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue. If it is 'crooked', goes to one side or the other that is an indication of a stroke. Also use the first three letters STR. as a guide to ask questions to recognize a stroke S  *Ask the person to SMILE. T  *Ask the person to TALK (Coherently) (I.e. It is sunny out) R  *Ask The person to RAISE BOTH ARMS. If they have trouble with ANY of these, call emergency

Chicken and the Horse Joke

New Wine for Seniors

 
I kid you not.....California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

It is being marketed as

PINO MORE

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I just couldn’t help it.

Judge’s decision is final

I'm not sure who this woman is,

But apparently she knows you…

I didn’t know cockroaches starve when beheaded

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life....quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing..) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.In other words, send it to everyone! (and God love that pig!)

Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get  married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to  communicate in the bedroom. With the lights out they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her  husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? If you want sex with squeeze my left breast  once . If you don't sex, reach squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this  is a great idea. He writes back to his wife “Ok and if you want sex with me, pull on his penis once. If not, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times!

A truly touching story...truly touching!

I met a girl in the park the other evening.There was an instant spark between us And she immediately dropped to her knees,and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money."

How fights start –just watching TV

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping TV channels.

She asked " What's on the TV?"

I said "Dust."

And then the fight started.

How fights start – Anniversary

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said " I want something bright and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds"
I bought her a set of chrome bath scales.
And then the fight started.

Happy Birthday Bruce and Lynda etc.

Seeing two of our regulars Bruce and Lynda Sansome are having a big 0 milestone birthday this week so we thought it appropriate to give him our very best wishes.

Being born in the same month and year, just few days ago, cradle snatcher, Lynda Sansome celebrated hers and today is baby Bruce’s turn. Today they are enjoying some time with their kids and their families and friends.

When I saw them this week, to keep ahead of Bruce, Lynda slipped me a story to add to the blog. In the interests of preserving their secret to eternal  youth she did asked me not to divulge their age, hence my evasiveness.

Anyway here is the story

A couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe.
The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, “Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

Happy Birthday you guys!

Hey it is David Brown’s Birthday today too. But his wife Jacquie didn't send any jokes and it is not a big one so its no big deal. We are not so sure where they are too as it seems they have got lost somewhere in Malta. Have fun and Happy birthday to you too David

Top This one For A Speeding Ticket

Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of  Oceanside , San Diego , California ..

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.  The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.

Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter. 

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

Semper Fi

10 Illusies of Hans Klok

This is truly amazing… go full screen to view and best leave the sound on.

Are you a Believer?

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop...  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

School Days 1957 versus 2007

Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school and pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,  goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.	2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his Ute or gun again.. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.  Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.	2007 - Police called arrests Johnny and Mark.   Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.  Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.	2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a neighbor's car window and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.	2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.	2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.	2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.  Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching. English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bull ant nest.
1957 - Ants die.	2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.    Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.  Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.	2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

What About My Willie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whether or not you are a country fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound. these words of wisdom come from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson regarding his 75th birthday.

'I have outlived my dick.'

 

Men In Training

 

 

Banana Republic

There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . .. .. Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're crazy.
Giraffe = you've lost your mind.
Squirrel = you're boring .
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.


Take more breaks, laugh, laugh some more, and pass on laughter to others… it gets us through our days !