Reporter: “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101”
Hattie: “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. For low blood pressure I drink scotch And if I have a cold, I drink schnapps”.
Reporter:: “When do you drink water?
Hattie: “I have never been that sick”
“000”
To those nit-pickers who argue the meaning of words, is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls? Both are common use terms, but do you really know the difference? If not, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”’
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the Balls to slap your wife on the butt and say, “You're next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking however, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists demonstrate that if we drink one litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor); because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Hence if Water = Poop, and Wine = Health, isn’t it better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit..
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,
their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called her doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
So you are over 45 ? You SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You ARE a disgusting pervert.
Now go and get some help
I know my mate Larry Berizen COO at New York Parking Ticket & a NJ Lawyer will LOL at this one
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second man. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” asks the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I asked my Doctor “why do I pee more at night, and should I stop drinking water before I hit the sack?”
“When you are upright gravity holds water in the lower part of your body. So when you lie down the body (legs etc.) are level to your kidney which finds it easier to remove water.
The second part of your question is simple too.
“NO don't stop drinking water before bed time . As muscles seek re-hydration when too much water is removed there is an increased risk of stroke heart attack or even just simple but painful things like leg cramps. A glass of water before bed reduces that risk.
“Drinking water at other times also maximizes body effectiveness”
A couple of glasses of water after waking up helps activate internal organs
A glass of water before a meal - helps digestion
A glass of water before a bath - helps lower blood pressure”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
| I can't wait to try this in the summer! A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. When next outdoors at a picnic I took a 4-ounce spray bottle I had filled with Listerine and sprayed it around my seat when I saw mosquitoes. Voila! That worked too So we Now during the summer, I don't leave home without it..
COMMENTS: I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors. |
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife at home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the tarter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife , bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
AND FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST?
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
We've all heard about people having guts or Balls, Medically here is the the difference ?
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your Wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask :'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume And beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
Medically there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
Remember , as You Slide Down that 'Banister of Life' You'd Better Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.
Thought for the day:
Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind... and those that mind ...don't matter!
At a conference fives surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients.
The first, from New York, says, 'I like accountants. When you open them, everything is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, you should try electricians! Everything is colour coded.'
The Los Angeles surgeon, , says, I think librarians are the best, because everything is alphabetical.'
The Dallas surgeon chimes in: Construction workers understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth, Washington, DC surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: “Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
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Referred to as“homo slackass-erectus” the natural evolution of this species occurred when a class of homo sapiens began genetic downward posturing with constant spineless and spasmodic upper limb gestures.
New research has now shown this also caused shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.
The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function hence you can expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication.
Research on its history shows that this species mostly receives food stamps and full government care.
Unfortunately most are highly fertile.
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman
kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon from the nurse in the Landover you booked for speeding last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
