Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6  Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!

The Importance of Drinking Water in Old Age

Interview with Hattie May McDonald on her secret to reaching the age of 101 years.

Reporter: “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101”

Hattie:  “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. For low blood pressure I drink scotch And if I have a cold, I drink schnapps”.

Reporter:: “When do you drink water?

Hattie: “I have never been that sick”

 

 

“000”

Off To The Pharmacy

One  day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and  takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying them on the  counter.

He  then asked the pharmacist,  “Could  you taste this for me, please”.

Being  a senior citizen, the pharmacist went along, taking  the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid,  puts  it in his mouth swills the liquid around and  with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.

“Now  does that taste sweet to you.” says  the old man?

The  pharmacist said to the old man.“Hell  no!” “Oh that's a relief”, said the old  man, “The  doctor told me to come here and  get my urine tested for sugar”.

~000~

OLD FART PRIDE

I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better and actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events or the movies; during the playing of the national anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts aroond the world remember World War II, Normandy  Pearl Harbour ,  Guadalcanal and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Fart he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about  their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know their country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women working for and serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

I was taught to respect my elders.We need Old Farts now more than ever.It's just getting harder to find them.

The importance of an occupation after retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS A QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

If this is to be me may the end come quick and mercifully

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Write it down - it’s a good one!!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.  During a checkup, the doctor tells them they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream please? she replies'

'Sure....'

'Do you think you should write it down so you remember ?' she asks.

'No, I can remember that.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget?'

You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I can remember that.

'Yes and I'd also like whipped cream on it too. I'm certain you'll forget all that, so please write it down?' she says. Irritated,

As he toddles into he kitchen, he retorts , 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. and says 'Where's my toast ?'

~ooo~

Between the Thorns

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After the meal, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

'Last night we went out to a  new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said,  'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know..... The one that's red and has thorns? '

Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

~000~

Will to Live

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the him to hear 100%.

The man went back in a month for a check-up and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is  perfect.. Your family must be really pleased?'

The old guys replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

~ooo~

Hotel Bill

An lady decided to treat herself on her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high."I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it.She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she
decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50.00."

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

~000~

You have two choices – take it or leave it , just Like these Mug shots

Creative Calendar from a Retirement Home.

‘Growing old’ is mandatory, ‘growing up’ is optional !! And If you haven’t grown up by the time you are FIFTY then you damn well don’t have to !!!

The Contilia Retirement Group in Essen, Germany, who follow this maxim produced a calendar where seniors amazingly recreated famous movie scenes.  The  shoot was done with professional stylists and photographers to make sure  everything looked as cool as possible. The technical age of all 19 youthful seniors pictured ranged for youngest being 77 to the oldest at 98 years old.


JANUARY

James  Bond

Wilhelm Buiting, 89


FEBRUARY


Breakfast  at Tiffany’s
Marianne Brunsbach, 86

MARCH

Titanic
Erna Rütt, 86, und Alfred Kelbch, 81

APRIL

Rocky
Erwin J. von der Heiden, 80


MAY

Mary  Poppins
Erna Schenk, 78


JUNE

The  Seven Year Itch
Ingeborg Giolbass, 84, und Erich Endlein, 88

JULY

Blues  Brothers
Margarete Schmidt (r.), 77, und Lothar Wischnewski 76

AUGUST

Cabaret
Martha Bajohr, 77

SEPTEMBER

Giant
Joanna Trachenberg, 81, und Horst Krischat, 78

OCTOBER

Saturday  Night Fever
Irmgard Alt, 79, und Siegfried Gallasch, 87

NOVEMBER

Dirty  Dancing
Johann Liedtke, 92 und Marianne Pape, 79

DECEMBER

Easy  Rider
Walter Loeser, 98 und Kurt Neuhaus, 90

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. "

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show: Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.< /font>

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,"said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotised.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

“SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited there again

Wetherspoons in Billericay

A group of mates , all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was decided they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts.
Ten years later at the age of 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had easy access to the toilets.

Ten years later at the age of 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they had never been there before.

Letter from Grandma who eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

Dear  Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our  local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love  Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling  particularly sassy that day because I had just come from  a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous  prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put  it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an  uplifting experience that followed.

I was  stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost  in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I  didn't notice that the light had changed. It is  a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he  hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found  that lots of people love Jesus! While I was  sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and  screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader  he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! 
I just leaned out my window and started waving  and smiling at all those loving people.
I even  honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 

There must have been a man from Florida back there  because I heard him yelling something about a sunny  beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way  with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back  seat what that meant. He said it was  a  Hawaiian good luck sign.

Well, I have never met  anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned  out the window and gave him the good luck sign right  back. My grandson burst out laughing.  Why even he was enjoying this religious  experience!!

A couple of the people were so  caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of  their cars and started walking towards me. I bet  they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but  this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and  sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 

I noticed that I was the only car that got  through the intersection before the light changed again  and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all  the love we had shared. So I slowed the car  down, leaned out the window and gave them all the  Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will  write again soon,
Love, Grandma  

Redundancy rewarded

A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce..'

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Will You Live to See 90?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he  said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just reached 81).
A little concerned about that comment, I  couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said  that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?  'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the  hell do you want to live to 90?

Memories Rendition - a brilliant spoof by Pam Peterson

Brilliant rendition of Memories with substitute lyrics by Pam Peterson

Be sure to put your headset on for this one. The lyrics are great but her voice blows you away too.