Caine wasn't Able so Eve Adam - A Story of the Birds and the Bees!!!

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said , 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

 Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over  the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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'What's a headache?'

The Importance of Drinking Water in Old Age

Interview with Hattie May McDonald on her secret to reaching the age of 101 years.

Reporter: “Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101”

Hattie:  “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. For low blood pressure I drink scotch And if I have a cold, I drink schnapps”.

Reporter:: “When do you drink water?

Hattie: “I have never been that sick”

 

 

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How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down\
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
   And : my favorite.to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
10. 10. Go to a large Department store?s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!

Replacing "sex on the beach" with "salt on your sausage”

The Salar de Uyuni is the world's largest salt flat at 10,582 square kilometers (4,086 sq mi)  A major tourist destination in the South American country of Bolivia, the Salar is home to an estimated 10 billion tons (9.8 billion LT) of salt  and completely devoid of any vegetation or wildlife.     But what is even more incredible, is where  people who visit this amazing place stay, in the middle of the vast emptiness. The answer is quite remarkable.   Anyone arriving to visit this exotic part of the world is in for a real treat and a stay in one of the world's most unique hotel experiences. The lack of conventional construction materials see hotels innovatively built entirely of salt blocks cut from the Salar itself. The  most famous is called Palacio de Sal, Spanish for "Palace of salt".     The hotel is made of about 1 million 35-cm (14-inch) salt blocks, used for the floor, walls, ceiling and furniture, including the beds, tables, chairs and sculptures. The hotel even has a dry sauna and a steam room, a saltwater pool and whirlpool baths for guests to relax in and enjoy.               Imagine what it feels like, sleeping on salt beds, sitting on salt chairs and even eating at salt tables. And while no one can deny how beautiful everything in this hotel is, that beauty is nothing compared to the view…         The salt flats are so white and clear they often show a perfect reflection of the sky and the objects above them. In fact, because the Salar is so flat and has such a strong reflection, similar to that of ice sheets, it is used for calibrating the distance measurement equipment of satellites in space! The white, endless flats also offer visitors a unique opportunity to take some truly mind bending pictures. With no other objects in sights, the human eye loses its ability to establish a proper field of depth. The results are some of the most creative and bizarre pictures you will ever see…         The Salar is truly a place like no other, a magical kingdom of salt and beauty where one can drive on the endless flats and see the sky both above and below him. It is just one of many places on earth that prove that beauty has no rules and that nature always has one more trick up her sleeve.

Release of the Wedding Doves

This is nice !!!
They walked out onto the steps of the Church, after a delightful wedding ceremony,with a hundred friends now gathered around.
Following a tradition, the Bride and Groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder each holding a beautiful white Dove.
Everyone is eager, as the Photographer gives the signal to open their hands together and release the Doves toward the sky.
The camera flashes .... and the moment is captured for eternity!!
This symbol of eternal love brings tears to the faces of everyone present!
 
 
 
Scroll down.........................
 
 
 
 

Costs: Wedding Gown $5,500. Photographer $2,000. Vintage Rolls Rent $1,000.
Having 'the twins' pop out and say 'CHEESE' in front of family and friends .. PRICELESS!!

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. "

Just in case you’re planning to do a little Cooking... Two different views!!!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.  Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you! Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. Celery? Never heard of it!   Cure for headaches: take a lime,  cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away! Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.   Left over wine???????  HELLO!!!!!! Lastly, if you don't forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

Because you are older doesn't mean your are wiser

Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next”

So I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

She made a monkey out of me

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Leave them something to remember you by!

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.”

The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband, I’m sure my husband will remarry, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

Is it ever too late to repay a debt?

Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in. While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

As the robbers made their way down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant. "What's this?" said the second accountant without looking down.

His colleague replied: "It's that $100 I owe you."

Brains of elderly

I got this from Maz Garnet my co conspirator on this blog. Maz lives in Newfoundland (yes that place in Canada with its very own time-zone).and she saved this up as a good cheers message for my Birthday yesterday. And wow she succeeded.

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Elderly people have so much information in their brain that it takes longer for them to access it, scientists believe

By Sarah Knapton, Science Correspondent

5:16PM GMT 20 Jan 2014

Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so too do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.

“The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time

“The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

SO  THERE!!    We Are All Brilliant!

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BTW MAZ I Looked up Sarah Knapton Science Correspondent at The Telegraph, email Telegraph.co.uksarah.knapton@telegraph.co.uk  and found her original authentic article . http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/10584927/Brains-of-elderly-slow-because-they-know-so-much.html

She also has over 4 million followers on twitter so she must know her stuff ..

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said : "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce : "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names : Brandy and Sherry.

You even called the cat, "Whisky". He then turned to the fourth Mum June : "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered : "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

Bikers

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop.

Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up–bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head,

another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over.

The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

“That truck driver sure ain’t much of a fighter,” sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, “He doesn’t seem to be much of a truck driver, either.

He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles.”

PAM AYRES - My Sat Nav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

Froze to Death

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” asks the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Four worms lesson learned!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

Daddy Longlegs

This one really brought a tear to my eye......very moving. A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' 'The little girl, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat... 'Well, we're not having any of that gay stuff in our garden' she said.

After 100’s of jokes we posted since WD49 finally here is something useful again

FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW.....................

• It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
• Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .
• Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .
• If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is
  Dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
• Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
• Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
• Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
• The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every
  English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
• Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
• Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F
• The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
• Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
  The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man
• Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density
• The University of Alaska spans four time zones
• The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
• In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
• Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• A comet's tail always points away from the sun
• The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent
• Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
• The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
• If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
• When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight
• In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed
  Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside
• Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams
• The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year
• The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust
• Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters
• Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
• Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down
• Everything weighs one percent less at the equator
  For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off
• The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.