Fortunate

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Cyber Mating

Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."

Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay".

Negativity Blessed

Before the digital era, to fully develop a photo took 2 stages. The first was to make a negative, which shows subjects as darkest and the darkest area as lightest. This is useless until exposed to the light to make a positive, that shows true.  So when a negative person is doing their level best to rain on your parade, you can be sure they are only half developed. Dark ignorant people do walk among us and don’t care diddly-squat, about making our life miserable. Here is a such a story, a mini drama where a good image finally triumphed once the negative was fully exposed.  A woman was getting her hair styled before she and her husband left for a holiday in Rome .. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"" We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe we’ll see the Pope.." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman was back and came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward wait on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $50 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" “Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" “He said: "Who the f........ cut your hair?"--

Five unshakable facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Bet you don’t recall the answer to “The Bus Stop Quiz?”

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.' HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. I just love happy endings!

When I die

When I die I want my last words to be “There is a million dollars under the ……”

Bikers

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop.

Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up–bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head,

another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over.

The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

“That truck driver sure ain’t much of a fighter,” sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, “He doesn’t seem to be much of a truck driver, either.

He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles.”

Don't ever underestimate us old guys.

Larry the Lawyer saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. Larry then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Larry being a wise man, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, he tactfully suggested Tom consider getting a hired hand to help him on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, Larry ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", he asked.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home one day and told his wife of the wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put our jackets on, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go.      How about this for an idea. From now on when I say BELL 1: I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2: I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3: we are going to make love all night. The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1! The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled BELL 2! the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled BELL 3! they began making love.   After a few minutes the wife yelled BELL 4! What the hell is BELL 4 asked the husband     ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she replied YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE! __,_._,___

Breast Feeding

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Good Cop Good Cop.. Here’s one up for our boys in blue

 

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver a real bar steward, gets out of his car and striding to the officer, demands to know why he is being harassed!

The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist  goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in explicit offensive terms.

This continues without the officer saying a dickybird, while he finishes writing the ticket.  He then puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket and hands it to The 'violator' to sign.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and then points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
An arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The  'violator' has a bad driving record
with heaps of demerits so  being  in danger of losing his license he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies about seeing the man go  through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, It has his signature and mine, and bears same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative is an "AH," Underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

The Fisherman and the Talking Frog

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.’ Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,  'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog. ' With age comes wisdom.

Didn’t she do well too ?

The Project of the Day at the Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memory”.

Even I have trouble remembering mine these days.

More Inner Peace - Yuk!!

Maz, That is a big if statement Thanks for the warm and fuzzy insights I wonder who actually writes this stuff, Highlighted in the dots points are my responses Cheers Gordon

If you can start the day without caffeine,

• why would anyone be asleep all day

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

• who cares I like being grumpy anyway

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

• easy I learned a long time ago no one listens so I write blogs now.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, that’s bullshit.

• Who wants lettuce sandwiches for the rest of their life?

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

• I do understand and I know all my loved ones are the same. But I wonder if when they find out I have cut them all out of my will that be true?

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

• everyone can. It’s human nature isn't it?

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

• easy just drink

If you can relax without liquor,

• easy just get some pills

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

• Who needs sleep when your high on drugs anyway

...Then You Are  Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

• Yes I did but You do know us husbands always rank below the family dog. Isn’t it amazing we are such wonderful people

  .

Stories with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to  tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff:? spilled milk and
pennies saved.? But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Johnnie was left.

'Jonnie, do you have a story to share?'? 'Yes ma'am.? My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.? She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.? She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.? She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her Parachute landed her
right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.? She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.? 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

Highest Position in the World

Do you know who holds the highest position in the world?

President Barack Obama? Nope.
Pope Benedict? Nope.
The Dalai Lama? Nope.

Do you want to see WHO that person is ?

Babu Sassi, a fearless young man from southern India, is the cult hero of Dubai 's army of construction workers. Known as the "Indian on the top of the world", Babu is the crane operator at the world's tallest building, the 819-meter Burj Dubai. His office, the cramped crane cab perched on top of the Burj, is also his home. It takes too long to come down to the ground each day to make it worthwhile - although, when the building is completed, its elevators will be the world's fastest. Stories about his daily dalliance with death are discussed in revered terms by Dubai 's workers. Some say he has been up there for more than a year, others whisper that he's paid 30,000 dirhams ($8,168) a month compared with the average wage of 800 dirhams a month. But everyone agrees, he's worth it - because nobody else would have the courage to do the job!

Choices!

For the last few years I have been routinely updating a collection of Humour for all Occasions using from material my friends send me. Today I received this contribution from Ineke Williams in Australia. It is doing the rounds so if you have seen already you have a sense that choices are not always obvious.

Given we think about doing things a certain way, this piece stimulates alternative thinking about how we help others. Sometimes winning is not always the way people usually see it!!

It starts and ends with a question,

Would you have made the same choice? 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the this story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'  So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a spark of love and humanity or do we pass up the chances? Every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate.

You now have two choices:

1. Do Nothing
2. Share and or Forward

I made mine. 

Cheers Gordon

Time waits for now-one

To realize

The value of a sister/brother

Ask someone

Who doesn't have one.

To realize

The value of ten years:

Ask a newly

Divorced couple.

To realize

The value of four years:

Ask a graduate.

To  realize

The value of one  year:

Ask a student  who

Has failed a  final exam.

To realize

The value of nine months:

Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize

The value of one month:

Ask a mother

Who has given birth to

A premature baby.

To realize

The value of one week:

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize

The value of one minute:

Ask a person

Who has missed  the train, bus or  plane..

To realize

The value of one-second:

Ask a  person

Who has survived an  accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every  moment you have.

You will treasure it even more  when

You can share it  with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member: