Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those nit-pickers who argue the meaning of words, is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls?  Both are common use terms,  but do you really know the difference?  If not, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”’

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the Balls to slap your wife on the butt and say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking however, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Political Correctness

In recent years, many of the things I wanted to write or say have been stymied by what has become known as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"!  a term that previously was never previously in my vocabulary.

When doing some research, someone at Truman Library & Museum in Independence, Missouri. sent me copies of four telegrams.

These were exchanged between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Japanese Surrender. This gave me an understanding of what "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means!!

The contents of those four telegrams are reproduced verbatim below. Not a single word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions!

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

~000~

Advice for Good Hearted Only

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor spotted Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later,  when the doctor examined Morris in his rooms he commented, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't actually say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.

~ooo~

Hotel Bill

An lady decided to treat herself on her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high."I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it.She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she
decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50.00."

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

~000~

The Drover

A  drover, who just moved to Queensland  from Victoria walks  into a bar and orders 3 glasses of  XXXX.
He  sits in the back of the room, drinking  a sip out of each one in  turn.
When  he finishes them, he  comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
The bartender approaches and tells the  drover,
"You  know, a glass goes flat after I draw it.   It  would taste better if  you bought one at a time."
The cattleman  replies,

"Well, you see, I have two  brothers.
One's  in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sand groper'.  (lives in West Aust)
When  we all left our home in Echuca', we  promised that we'd drink this  way
to  remember the days when we drank together.   So  I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers  and  one for myself."

The bartender admits that  this is a nice custom and  leaves it there.
The drover becomes a  regular in the bar and  always drinks the same  way.
He  orders three mugs and drinks them in  turn.

One  day, he comes in and only orders two  mugs.
All  the regulars take notice and fall  silent.
When  he comes back to the bar for the second round,  the  bartender says,

"I  don't want to intrude on your grief,  but  I wanted to offer my condolences  on your loss."

The drover looks quite  puzzled for a moment, then  a light dawns in his eyes and  he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"  he explains.
"It's  just that my wife and I joined the Salvation  Army and  I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my  brothers  though.".

The Will

Marc Fitzgerald is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Andy, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

My daughter "Kerry", you take the apartments over in the east end."

My son, "Matt, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Susan, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Marc slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Fitzgerald  your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Susan replies, "Property? .... the bum had a paper route!"

Random thoughts of Man

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.   

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.     

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.  (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it). 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.     

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"     

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.     

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Happy Thanksgiving

John received a parrot, as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, racy or laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's language.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and more obnoxious. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John flung open the freezer. Calmly, the parrot stepped out into John's outstretched arms and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot about the sudden shift in behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly:

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends who had graduated from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  They put up a sign reading:  "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it!

The docs then had a succession of rejections for : "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.", changed to, "Catatonics and High Colonics"... then next came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives", "Minds and Behinds" ... and "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" ... which were all found to be unacceptable! Even "Nuts and Butts",  "Freaks and Cheeks" , "Loons and Moons" were  considered no good, and met with no way, forget it rebuttals .

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends"
Everybody loved it!

Non-Deep Thoughts…

- I had amnesia once –- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.  Now what?

- Protons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

- What is a “free” gift?  Aren’t all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.

- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

THE IMPORTANCE OF A SPACE

A secretary received an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Xmas present.  She sent him a Thank-you note by e-mail. 

Boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce. 

The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night.  It has an extraordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.  I loved its perfect size and grip.  Felt like I was in heaven when using it.  Thanks a lot." 

Moral:  A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.

South Africa - Two Little Pigs bring the house down

Last Tuesday President Zuma got off the helicopter in front of The Union Buildings - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The chief security officer snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Limpopo Razorback Hogs.

I got one for our Minister of Education Angie Motshekga, and I got one for our Minister of Police Nathi Mthethwa."
The chief security officer again snapped to attention, saluted and said,
"Excellent swop, sir."

 

You have to admit regardless of your political persuasion in South Africa ...that is funny! (even Peter Taylor would agree)

The R100 note!

In The South African Parliament recently, an ANC MP related the following account in praise of the President:-
"There was a father who gave R100 to each of his three sons and told them to buy something that would completely fill up a room.
The first son bought a load of hay for R100 -  but couldn't fill the room completely.
The second son bought a load of raw cotton for R100 – he also couldn't fill the room completely.
The third son was wise and bought a candle for R1 – he lit it up and the room was completely filled with light."
The proud MP declared: "Our President Jacob Zuma is like the third son. From the day he has taken charge of his office, our
country is filled with the bright light of prosperity!"
After the thunderous applause died down, a voice from the DA bench asked:
"So, where is the remaining  R99?

Four worms lesson learned!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

Why Ethel changed Motels

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Statue in every room

The Italian building a house insisted to his architect that there must be a ring place in every room for ‘is statue. Later during construction he repeated this to the builder who assured him it would be done.

At the final inspection he saw bedside the door of every room, there was a marble base ring with a small Statue of David mounted on it.

“What is it with all the Michael Angelo's, ” asked the Italian

“The architect responded,  “didn't we agree to have a base ring in every room to place a statue on. The base comes with this plaster sample which you can replace with your real ones”

“No-No”, moaned the Italian , “I want a ring place where people say  “hello is-stat-u?”

Mother’s Milk

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room. The doctor called then in and examined the baby. When he checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.

The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came.

Simple Explanation

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked.

Son in law: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to Mary saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?....... My wife, yes your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I  will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law, "There is something odd about this story. Mary would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later she comes back with a big smile.

"You see, I told you there must be a simple explanation..............Mary didn't receive your email"

Female medical

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

A Beautiful story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," one replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a large limousine.
Once under way, one of the fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

You really didn't think this was a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?