Showering with a friend no is longer fashionable– here’s why!

A Shower for Woman  

Take off clothes place them sectioned in laundry basket by lights and darks.

  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

  Check physique in the mirror and make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts.

  Get in the shower. 

  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

  Wash =hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

  Wash hair again to make sure it's clean. 

  Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 

  Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

  Rinse conditioner off hair.

  Shave armpits and legs.

  Turn off shower. 

  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

  Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

  Get out of shower.

  Dry with towel the size of a small country.

  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

  If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed are 

A Shower for a Man   

   Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 

  Walk naked to the bathroom.

  If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

  Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

  Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. 

  Get in the shower.

  Wash your face.

  Wash your armpits.

  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

  Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. 

  Wash your hair.

  Make a Shampoo Mohawk

  Wee.

  Rinse off and get out of shower.

  Partially dry off.

  Fail to notice water on floor from curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 

  Admire willy size in mirror again.

  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

  Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

  If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy and make 'woo-woo' sound again. 

  Throw wet towel on bed.                                                               

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those nit-pickers who argue the meaning of words, is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls?  Both are common use terms,  but do you really know the difference?  If not, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”’

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and having the Balls to slap your wife on the butt and say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking however, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Who said Australians weren't romantic?

of course I love ya' darlin' You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous. I mean every single word

So ya' bum is on the big side,  I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready, There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya', I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya', I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age, Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya' did ya' best

I'm tellin' ya' the truth now.I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy, That you've got dimples on ya' thighs

I swear on me nana's grave now.The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya' dear

Now shut up while the footy's on And fetch another beer.

Moving out

A man come home and sees his wife packing to leave and asks, "What are going?"

She answers, "I'm moving to the city. I heard the prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase too.

When she asks where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

~000~

Random thoughts of Man

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.   

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.     

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.  (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it). 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.     

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"     

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.     

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Wall Tiles for a Bachelor Pad

ELEVEN PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter. ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up
everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and
was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ...

 

SEND THIS TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, FOR SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY ! AND TO ALL THE MEN WHO THINK THEY ARE INTELLIGENT !

 

( I don’t write these guys. I just publish them for my wonderful women friends so the can think they stull have the upper hand)

Italian Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit

Mario is planning to marry and asks his doctor how to tell if his bride-to-be is a virgin.     
His doctor says, "Mario,  Italian men I know use a can of red paint, a can of blue paint."
Mario asks, "So, what do I do with these things, Doc?     
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, paint one of your balls red and the other blue.

You will know If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!'.

Dying confession

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Why women prefer older men

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.. His mates at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Double En Denture

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

One Up-Man-Slip

Woman:
Do you drink beer ??
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day ??
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer ??
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !!)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking ??
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct ??
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct ??
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ??
Man:
Do you drink beer ??
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari ??

The Original sin

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN TOP THIS...

In Defence of Beer.....

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6-packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So your monthly spend is $900.or per year $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Ok so in 15 years you’re spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Ok so if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in an compound interest savings account and you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Then where's your Ferrari?

Makes sense to me

.

THE PERVERT

Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

Dedicated Wife

Four  guys and a woman are  stuck in an   elevator.
While they are stuck, they   strike up a conversation.
The first guy  says, 'I'm a  Y.U.P.P.I.E., you  know...
''Young,  Urban,  Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,  Ecologist.''
The  second guy says, 'I'm a  D.I..N.K.Y, you  know...
Double  Income, No Kids  Yet.  '
The  third guy says, 'I'm a  R.U.B., you  know...
''Rich,  Urban,  Biker.  '
The fourth guy says,  I am a  D.I.L.D.O, you  know...
'Double  Income, Little Dog  Owner.''
They  turn to the woman and ask her.  ''What are you?'' 
'I'm a WIFE,  you know...

A Bridge from God

A man riding his Harley along a Victorian beach when suddenly above his head the booming voice of the Lord said 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said 'Thanks can you build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want.

The Lord said 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Take a moment more to think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said' Lord. I wish that I and all men could understand women and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Wanted Adds:

Wanted Adds: 

Good Man

About 90 Years Old. Half Blind, Bad leg, Good with Gin, To Watch My Wife While I’m Out Hunting

Good Woman

Must be able to Clean, Cook, Sew , Dig Worms and Clean Fish

Must have Boat and Motor

Please send a picture of Boat and Motor

Black Panties

Ann had lost her husband almost four years ago..
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Ann said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did and stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; He was stood in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--

But there was one difference, He was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"