Random thoughts of Man

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.   

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.     

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.  (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it). 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.     

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"     

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.     

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.